A great talk with a great message.
A great talk with a great message.
This was an amazing TED Talk, so much new information from studying ED’s. She made me cry, just knowing there are people out there learning what its really like for us.
So picture this, you’re at a family gathering, sharing time, laughs and catching up with relatives (you know the ones you actually like and can spend time with). Of all the topics of conversation possible: Billy’s new little shit scenarios, Daisy’s graduation from her college programme despite being vietually nocturnal or Granddad’s new fishing record (he caught something after 3 years of saying ‘This is my day’). The possibilites for hearing those great missed moments are endless…so what is talked about most of the day? Eating, size and fucking diets!
Now I get more than most the inner turmoil of walking up to the buffet table and filling a plate in front of others but why do the older generation feel the need to discuss size at this point? Its banded round like a joke about gaining and changing size. Is it any wonder that the more vulnerable shrink away and look at themselves through those eyes?
Why is it so fucking hard to make a connection between how their mouth spouts out crap and the people who stop / imcrease eating, for fear you mean them too, when you talk about being fat?!
I suppose I should point out this us after most being informed discreetly that not only the BED sufferer has an ED but another is slowly slipping into major restrictions with their food? They all gasp and share concern when warned that we need to keep it body positive only (if you need to take about it all. I personally prefer hearing about Billy dragging the plant across the room filling the lounge with soil! Far more entertaining).
Its like watching a snowball grow as the shite conversation gathers pace, almost everyone joining in. Is it a right of passage to being a grown up in the family circle that I wasn’t informed of, my comtibution: screaming ‘cut the crap out’ followed by throwing a plate at the wall, at least mentally anyway.
It wasn’t just a short spell but all bloody day and its damn hard to stay positive when you’re surrounded. In fact I probably over ate to drown it out a bit, whilst trying to gently guide the other one following all the habits I started with so many years ago, funnily enough, surrounded by the same conversations from different people.
I’m kind fighting this one alone because I hope to (well anything inserted here as I’m not religious) that I can use what I’ve learnt to protect them. Whilst I mentally slap those filling the room with body negative chatter, even if they are lovely people the rest of the time.
Anyone wondering, well why didn’t you just change the subject?…hmmm…it turns out when you switch it to politics and the debate of Trump sinking America into the dark ages and the recent European changes, that is short lived because apparently “some people are sensitive about it”. (This is where my head hits the table, I lift it up and drop it again for good measure).
I think I need to get one of those signs put up normally reserved for happy anecdotes on house rules like laughter and fluffy stuff. Only mine will read…Diets are bullshit, weight is just a number and if you take about size I will chase you out the house faster than I hit the bar on a kid free night out!
Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!
At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!
Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.
Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.
It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.
I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.
I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.
I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.
One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?
This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.
So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.
One week with her, that’s all it took to be catapulted back into the darkness and lost world I grew up in. Continue reading
Back to blogging regularly after a long time away. Initially I was doing really well and simply didn’t have the time spare to post anything new. My social life has taken off after some effort and it was all happy and great fun. I guess you could say the high has gone and inevitably I have hit a rough patch. The binges have returned and my eating is pretty horrendous in general, skipping meals, over eating and then the out of control shoveling food.
We all aim for a particular with our mental health, the light at the end of the tunnel, if you like. Only sometimes when we get there it isn’t all its cracked up to be! Continue reading
Each step on my journey has to be approached with acceptance of the time factor and this is no exception.
Just 18 months ago starting out to get myself better was a scary process. The level of panic I felt just considering a life without a diet was all consuming. The only life I could envisage was one where I ate myself into an early grave. In my mind it was giving up and letting food take over my life, my definition of the ultimate failure!
I went to sleep last night still riding the high from the weekend. A night out, the first in a very long time and I loved every second! I felt myself and invigorated to have rediscovered my love of gigs. Food has been pushed even further down the priorities list in my dysfunctional head. Continue reading