June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

Shaking Up The Summer Wardrobe, With A Little Help From F&F

We can all experience struggles with clothing this time of year; be it sizes, cost, the fear of shopping in crowds or simply finding comfort in the heat! If you haven’t seen the summer F&F clothing range at Tesco yet, I’d highly recommend a look!

I bought multiple pairs of trousers!! This is completely unheard of for me when shopping outside of my ‘go to’ plus size store. I normally end up leaving with just tops and simply can’t fit into any of them or face trying on yet another pair of trousers to only end up with disappointment.

This year they have really upped thier game! Lots of choice, good sizes across the whole range and some of the most comfortable clothes I have had in years. I left with a whole bag full without breaking the bank and only one item was a top! I may hunt out a shiny sticker for myself on that score!

This summer my challenge is to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have on. No clothes are going to make me instantly look smaller (I’m working on getting rid of that thought process all together) but I can choose to make choices that I feel good about.

So my usual same old outfits are getting a break and I am trying anything and everything new to see what suits me AS I AM, rather than longing for being smaller and self loathing.

Yesterday I felt good on the school run wearing my new super comfy trousers. I might give a skirt (with comfort shorts underneath) a whirl today. My wardrobe is a little hub of positivity right now and I’m loving it!

What Lies Within

Being in the grip of self loathing, inadequacy and failure is hell. We go round in circles trying to change things, to feel normal and able to step outside without the burning embarrassment our bodies create. How do we stop it? Who could possibly understand or want to be burdened with our crushed self esteem. That’s if we can actually articulate how you feel!

I’ve Made This Jump!

I have found this image by chance. Quite a few years ago I actually made that jump myself. It scared the crap out of me but it’s a nice reminder that I can push myself out of my comfort zone and be successful. Actually I need to because its not a happy place! Change is good right? I’ve done it so many times before it’s just tangled up with anxiety this time.

My eyes are shut and I’m stepping off….