I went to sleep last night still riding the high from the weekend. A night out, the first in a very long time and I loved every second! I felt myself and invigorated to have rediscovered my love of gigs. Food has been pushed even further down the priorities list in my dysfunctional head.
The plan for my next blog was an account of happy and carefree I was feeling. Whether I’m hungry or not I eat breakfast and it’s become habit, one that has had the most positive domino effect on other daily meals. Avoiding the energy dip mid day has become visible my previously neglected housework list. High five me! Well something along those lines…
My clothes are much slacker than normal and I made a terrible error…out of simple curiosity I weighed myself. The fist warning sign should have been my level of satisfaction seeing the number has reduced. This should have been where I slapped myself with a dose of reality (I know those changes are not valid over mere days and I am NOT ON A DIET) Argh, what was I thinking,I’ve spent so long keep the beast that is BED at bay, I only went and rolled out the welcome mat for the bitch that is Restrictions.
Making my ham sandwich for lunch I as always cut off the fat, I have never liked it and figure it won’t do me any good to eat all that. The first guilt pang came as I prepared the second slice “I shouldn’t be eating this much to keep up the weight loss”. She didn’t stop there dropping her well rehearsed lines into my head as I went to sit down ” you’re eating too much, eating a full lunch isn’t what we want, the scales look better”.
I am struggling with sleep deprivation, a few nights in a row have extinguished the high I felt last night. Now the Bitch is nagging me, I feel a bit meh. I ate the whole lunch and I am wondering if I should silence her by eating something else or just try to ignore the thoughts?
It’s a good reminder and a sad realisation, I either have a long way to go before I don’t have to be on guard all the time or I will always have to make sure I walk the line.