Tag Archives: Diets

Back to School

If I look back over this journey it takes a while for me pinpoint specific actions I have taken to get to now as there have been so many small parts to make the bigger picture. ‘Now’ for me would be defined as binge and emotional eating absent (I think its important to use that description instead of ‘free’ as without mindful management, it could all return). I am able to approach weight management with a level head most of the time and I have a strong will to never return to dieting restrictions of the past, it may be more honest to say I have a hatred for the diet industry and often think of running round shouting how shit they are and that the industry is designed to make money, not help you!

Although I can acknowledge the years of work I have put in to recover from my ED, almost 3 in total now, I would say that this period has had the most significant impact for me. It has smashed a lot of my learnt misconceptions and given me the confidence to move even further away from the body hating culture constantly thrown at us.

Since Aug I have been a part-time student! I took an online Diploma in nutrition and it was a fantastic learning experience. The reason for studying was to focus more on myself now my baby is at school and to educate myself on what food is all about on a scientific level.

Whether this would work for all, I don’t know, but for me it was life changing. I now look at food in terms of nutrients and what I need daily, weekly and looking at the trends over longer periods. Despite not dieting prior to the course, I would still view a single meal of high calorie value as able to have a much bigger impact than actually possible, or not drink enough and happy to ignore any consequences of what I may put my body through by not eating propely. It has helped me to be realistic and make choices based on a balanced view, in summary I no longer fear food! Its there for me to fuel my body and eat how I want, that may sound to many like a scary and a complete lack of control, well your not wrong. I no longer need to try control my relationship with food to the degree that it becomes my nemesis, I strike a balance making sure I get as much of what I need as possible and regularly but if I want extra then why not?  It removes the need to be super strict and then rebel, a long worn path in my past and has further strengthened my ability to cope without turning to binges. The more structure I have to support myself without eating, the better the chances are of staying this side of recovery are.

I’m not saying I waved a magic wand and the anxieties all went away and I’m cured. It will always be something I need to mentally coach myslef to some degree. During PMS my confidence can crash and I that day I won’t like what I see in the mirror, or feel confident when walking outside but the difference now is my ability to talk myself back up without food taking over. There is no binge or restriction cycle anymore.

I have a plan of where I want to be rather than a weight or clothes size I want to be which is still a nice feeling as it comes naturally, I passed the faking it ’till I make it a while ago. Even on my weight management I don’t have this dream number in mind because this is me, who I am won’t change and I’m confident being me now. When I feel comfortable moving, strong rather than achey and don’t suffer with pain due to being over weight then that is where I will be in aphysically better condition, nothing more. I am currently losing weight sensibly and slowly for health reasons and im actually enjoying cooking and experimenting with new meals and learning better ways to gwt what I need. this is a separate area to my body confidence which needs a lot of nurturing to maintain. Its not always easy but my driving force is be able to feel about myself the way I do about others and I will eventually achieve that too.

 Aftet my Diploma I decided if i can do that why not go all in, so I did and am now studying a psychology degree so that I can get out there one day in the future and with a plan in my hand to try and help others escape the shit peddled by the media about how we need to be thin and diet and show people that there is another alternative where you can step on those crappy diet leaflets on you body positive journey learning to love you as you are inside and out! 

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June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

A New Chapter – Single Mum With BED

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My title sounds more confident than I feel right now. It is slowly becoming more real, I am no longer part of a team at home, I am the team most of the time now. That isn’t to take anything away from my husband, he is a fantastic and living dad. Yet either way you look at it, a huge part if my life has changed… Continue reading

The Next Chapter – Adjusting What I Eat!

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Each step on my journey has to be approached with acceptance of the time factor and this is no exception.

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Embrace the Documentary | Body Image Movement

You simply have to watch the trailer on this webpage and share it, like someone else shared with me. We owe it to the next generations of females to change things because how they are now, isn’t acceptable.x

http://bodyimagemovement.com.au/embrace-the-documentary/#comment-84137

January Without Punishment

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This is the first January I can remember where I haven’t felt the pressure and stress of trying to lose huge amounts of weight.

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1 Year In!

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That came around quickly! It doesn’t actually feel like twelve months. A lot has changed in that time.

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From The Other Side

Real Beauty Sketches

If you struggle with your self worth and appearance, set a few minutes aside to watch this. Let me know how it makes you feel?

The Unexpected- A New Direction

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What a month November has been… Continue reading