June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

Step 5: Taking Stock

Should I continue with the programme?

For me the programme has been a positive change. There is a significant reduction in my binges, I started every day. I now average about one a week so it is definitely working for me.

‘Overcoming an eating problem often has a positive effect on accompanying problems such as depression,  self esteem and relationship problems’

I definitely feel more positive in general.  I have good days more often than bad days. My scores on the depression questionnaire have become incredibly low. I wouldn’t consider myself to be depressed now. I have a sense of achievement that I have improved my situation.  It’s still a daily struggle, but I’m in a much better place. I’m happier, fitter and eating much healthier. This has had a really good effect on home and family life too. (Not just being a little easier to live with).

What next?
I now need to look at the processes responsible for my binge eating. I need to ask myself these questions;

1. Does dieting contribute to my tendancy to binge eat?
In the past this has absolutely been a huge trigger for me. I would impose stringent rules on myself and huge pressures to reach a goal in as little time as possible. This is something that I will always need to be aware of. I’m currently trying to eat clean and at just 2 days in, I restricted and it caused me to have a small binge. It’s a lapse and I have got back on with eating for health. To stop that hapening again I have relaxed and made a pact with myself to eat clean not mean. Staying on the line between over and under eating is something that is yet to become a way of life rather than a conscious choice but I will get there!

2.Do concerns about my shape or weight contribute to my binge eating problem?
Yes absolutely. I have nothing positive in this area to offer. I don’t feel confident, I compare myself to others and use mirrors to see how ‘bad’ I look. It’s all negative and negatively reinforces my problem in a huge way. Having made progress with my food consumption,  this undoubtedly an area I have to focus on. I have no idea if I can do this part. For as long I can remember I have only thought of myself in a negative way, I prefer to fade in the background to feel comfortable. I can see the positives and beautiful aspects of anyone else but my own reflection has the power to make me cry. It appears that overcoming this, is the biggest key to my recovery on this journey.