Body Checking Demons & Periods, Evil Bastards Working Together!

I read this article from Anastasia today and its a good read but also a little tug back to the positivity path we can lose when ‘that’ time of the month arrives.

Body Checking – Anastasia Amour

It may not be universal, (as the tortures of having periods differs for us all) but personally I have noticed this month, more than ever before, just how much hormones distort my view of myself and blows my confidence to pieces.

Just two days ago the new wardrobe plan was working well, I was positive regarding my appearance and happy with my progress to being happy with me. Today I caught sight of my reflection and the old negative voice was screaming everything wrong with how I look! Too fat, disgusting, I should go home and eat because starving myself won’t work fast enough! You name it was there! I was with my youngest at a school event and had to stop myself spinning on my heels and taking us home, his time was definitely more important, so we stayed and I did the last thing I wanted to do; I sat in a room full of people I don’t know and forced myself to interact, smile and be present in the room.

It took some time to quieten the nagging voice shouting that I was ‘too fat to belong’ and get a grip on reality. I was the same size two days ago, two weeks ago even, all that changed was my perception!

No one in that room even considered my size, clothes or anything at all about me, it was just me! No one ushered me out the door for being an embarrassment or disgrace. I had to make the choice to ignore the self attacks and remember I can’t trust my own mind when my hormones are raging. It was no easy feat and to be honest even though I shut it up, the low and inadequate feeling has lingered all day.

It will be gone in two days, just like the fact that; I won’t be raging inside when I hear my husband eat or breath too loud (I swear I develop supersonic hearing each month!), I won’t hate being touched or not feel good enough because I didn’t empty the dishwasher last night (yeah, that renound activity we use to gauge our personal achievements, the bloody dishwasher, WTF mother nature???!) In two days, after my cramps, aches, pains, bleeding and exhaustion I can reverse the rage mutation and get back to being me!

Shit At The End Of The Tunnel

We all aim for a particular with our mental health, the light at the end of the tunnel, if you like. Only sometimes when we get there it isn’t all its cracked up to be!

Why I’m Eating More Now Than I Ever Have And I Couldn’t Be Happier

Just 18 months ago starting out to get myself better was a scary process. The level of panic I felt just considering a life without a diet was all consuming. The only life I could envisage was one where I ate myself into an early grave. In my mind it was giving up and letting food take over my life, my definition of the ultimate failure!

Eating Disorder Services Check Up

The next phase of my step towards treatment has been completed, a care plan has been put together after monitoring my progress. The next step is to start treatment in a few weeks.

Venturing Out Alone, It’s Been A While

I struggle to remember, was I always confident in my younger years or had I simply perfected the art of running away?

BED Is Calling

My name Fighting BED seems quite apt today.

Expectations v Reality

For the last few weeks I have been feeling the pressure of summer arriving. Sure it’s warmer and we can get out more, if we want to but what about those of us who don’t want to?!

An Update On My BED Progress

Todays posting seems to have fallen into three distinct categories: Depression, Anxiety and now BED. I didn’t plan it, I rarely write with a plan at all. This is my space for therapy and I go with the emotions at the time, they come out as I write.

Sometimes Despite Our Best Efforts, There Is A Bigger Plan At Work

As the title says really,  we may have an idea set out and then an event occurs which takes your life in a totally different direction.

If We Could Talk Like A Normal Family, I’d Like To Say…

If I could talk to you in confidence life would be much easier, if I could trust you with my fragile emotional state all would be fine. I can’t trust you, as all you will do is hurt me again. We’re not a normal family though, are we mum.