With each step of my journey I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve had good weeks and horrendous weeks, successful day’s and well let’s face it…some fantastically shit ones. I was given a good piece of advice on a dark day that stuck with me…’Fake It till you make it’. It made me laugh at first but it was actually just what I needed. I put it into practice just to see if it would help me and you known what, it really did work!
I walked into the gym like I belonged there, rather than the newbie who didn’t fit in I actually felt. I decided to buy new clothes, although I didn’t feel worthy if it. I started deliberately making additional healthy food choices that would be associated with a fitness fanatic, rather than worrying if people though I was ridiculous and wasting my time because I’m overweight. But most prominently I began sharing my photography, even though it shot my anxiety through the roof. I kept all these things up, because if I was faking it then I still wasn’t showing how I truly felt and that was still my armour.
The knock on effect of this ‘faking’ is that I’ve realised these things aren’t additions to me and my personality, they were already there. I got so much enjoyment from not worrying what others may think and just being happy with me. There is no faking it now, I feel like a new person and it’s such a release. I’m still going to have bad days and my body image isn’t suddenly fixed completely but I’m papering over the cracks in my self worth and reparing a lifetime of damage with positivity. I’m good at giving and seeing the best in others. I guess now I’m deciding to treat myself how I treat others, and accepting that I am actually worth something. I have a lot to offer and I do have talents. There are a lot of new experiences for me to try, like regular shopping for items I want, buying something a little bit for expensive for myself or just having a treat. I even went out in a sleeveless top due to hot weather and although I domt weigh any less I was comfident with it. That’s a.reliwf in itwelf, not sweating because I’m in a cardigan to hide my arms. Not major in the grand scheme of things but these are bad habits of a lifetime broken, not bad hey?! The latest little push of the comfort zone….sharing photos and posts about my progress in real life using my own name. It’s scary but the response was pretty overwhelming, I think those close to me have always seen past where my eating disorder stopped me. That’s quite an eye opener as hardly anyone knows I have this problem. Or am I actually ready to say had? Now that is something to smile about.
Fighting BED 