After feeling like I was unravelling, I’m back on track. Mostly thanks to messages and a little note from people who took the time to care. I appreciate every one of them. Thank you so much to everyone. I’d be lost without this support.x
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which has the potential to turn a life around. That is what you do for me, by being there to hold my hand every time I break down, lose hope…
Thank you for being there for me… Thank you for being you!
I just can’t get my anxiety under control. I want to hide away and cry, not have to deal with the world or the people affecting me right now. My work situation is still not resolved and if anything it’s worse. I feel judged and my efforts unappreciated. This is despite working my arse off, helping above and beyond my actual job and the covering someone in management whilst they are on holiday. It’s getting too much and I have no idea what to do. It’s domiating everything in my life. I’m tired, angry, irritable, low and I keep losing things from lack of concentration. Not knowing what’s happening is my worst nightmare. I have no way of knowing whether I will have a job in a few weeks. My eating slipped yesterday and today, I feel horrendous. It’s not just not having a job, the pressure that comes with losing it is immense. I know it won’t lift until I find out my fate.
With my current upbeat mood and intention to work on my confidence, I am starting to lay plans for an online support group. Somewhere I can set up for others to share their journey and feel like they belong. This may take some time, as I don’t want to rush it and put unnecessary pressure on myself. But I’m doing so well with my eating disorder and depression. Being able to share what got me out of a dark place is important. it still helps me every day to know I am not alone in this battle. It will be something I have for life but I have found so many ways to cope and wisdom is nothing, if not for sharing!
With each step of my journey I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve had good weeks and horrendous weeks, successful day’s and well let’s face it…some fantastically shit ones. I was given a good piece of advice on a dark day that stuck with me…’Fake It till you make it’. It made me laugh at first but it was actually just what I needed. I put it into practice just to see if it would help me and you known what, it really did work!
I walked into the gym like I belonged there, rather than the newbie who didn’t fit in I actually felt. I decided to buy new clothes, although I didn’t feel worthy if it. I started deliberately making additional healthy food choices that would be associated with a fitness fanatic, rather than worrying if people though I was ridiculous and wasting my time because I’m overweight. But most prominently I began sharing my photography, even though it shot my anxiety through the roof. I kept all these things up, because if I was faking it then I still wasn’t showing how I truly felt and that was still my armour.
The knock on effect of this ‘faking’ is that I’ve realised these things aren’t additions to me and my personality, they were already there. I got so much enjoyment from not worrying what others may think and just being happy with me. There is no faking it now, I feel like a new person and it’s such a release. I’m still going to have bad days and my body image isn’t suddenly fixed completely but I’m papering over the cracks in my self worth and reparing a lifetime of damage with positivity. I’m good at giving and seeing the best in others. I guess now I’m deciding to treat myself how I treat others, and accepting that I am actually worth something. I have a lot to offer and I do have talents. There are a lot of new experiences for me to try, like regular shopping for items I want, buying something a little bit for expensive for myself or just having a treat. I even went out in a sleeveless top due to hot weather and although I domt weigh any less I was comfident with it. That’s a.reliwf in itwelf, not sweating because I’m in a cardigan to hide my arms. Not major in the grand scheme of things but these are bad habits of a lifetime broken, not bad hey?! The latest little push of the comfort zone….sharing photos and posts about my progress in real life using my own name. It’s scary but the response was pretty overwhelming, I think those close to me have always seen past where my eating disorder stopped me. That’s quite an eye opener as hardly anyone knows I have this problem. Or am I actually ready to say had? Now that is something to smile about.
I have binging under control, I have coping mechanisms in place but what I don’t have is confidence in myself.This is something I want to change, to not care what people think or how they judge, to feel ok to stand out from the crowd. I will get there but I accept it will be a marathon, not a sprint!
All my life I have believed, that in order to be fulfilled and happy enough to accept myslef, I need to be slimmer.
I’m now realising that I need to accept myself, before I can truly be fulfilled and happy. That switch in focus will inevitably lead to me being healthier. Slimmer isn’t my goal it just happens to be a by-product of my transition.
For the last 17 years of my journey through life, there has been one constant…Pheobe. I have moved a lot and we don’t see each other very often (Perhaps a couple of times a year). She has saved me from myself and the dark moments of depression and anxiety so many times. She is not just my best friend but (although we may not be related), to me she is my sister. Continue reading →
Shopping is a form of torture for me. Clothes shopping would be the absolute worst case! I normally try clothes on, whilst being shown my horrible reflection from every conceivable angle. It’s rare that I find something that either fits properly (no matter what my size I’m and unusual shape) or that suits me. Normally to get to that stage is a success. I would get myself something to eat on the way home and binge. It can take days to get over the feelings of shame and disgust in myself. So I avoid clothes shopping at all costs. My trip of torture is braved on average once a year, unless I have a desperate need for something new.