Body Negative Conversation Bullshit

So picture this, you’re at a family gathering, sharing time, laughs and catching up with relatives (you know the ones you actually like and can spend time with). Of all the topics of conversation possible: Billy’s new little shit scenarios, Daisy’s graduation from her college programme (despite being vietually nocturnal) or Granddad’s new fishing record (he caught something after 3 years of saying ‘This is my day’). The possibilites for hearing those great missed moments are endless…so what is talked about most of the day? Eating, size and fucking diets!

Now I get more than most the inner turmoil of walking up to the buffet table and filling a plate in front of others but why do the older generation feel the need to discuss size at this point? Its banded round like a joke about gaining and changing size. Is it any wonder that the more vulnerable shrink away and look at themselves through those eyes?

Why is it so hard to make a connection between how they speak about others and the people in the room being affected? Especially after being discreetly told that one family member has an ED but another is slowly slipping into major restrictions with their food? They all gasp and share concern when warned that we need to keep it body positive (if you need to take about it all). I personally prefer hearing about Billy dragging the plant across the room filling the lounge with soil, it’s far more entertaining!

These social gatherings are like watching a snowball grow as the judgemental conversation gathers pace, almost everyone joining in. Is it a right of passage to being a grown up in the family circle that I wasn’t informed of, my comtibution: screaming ‘THIS, AGAIN?!’ followed by throwing a plate at the wall, at least mentally anyway.

It wasn’t just a short spell but all bloody day and its damn hard to stay positive when you’re surrounded. In fact I probably over ate to drown it out a bit, whilst trying to gently guide the other one following all the habits I started with so many years ago, funnily enough, surrounded by the same conversations from different people.

I’m kind fighting this one alone because I hope that I can use what I’ve learnt to protect them. Whilst I mentally slap those filling the room with body negative chatter, even if they are lovely people the rest of the time.

Anyone wondering, well why didn’t you just change the subject?…hmmm…it turns out when you switch it to politics and the debate of Trump sinking America into the dark ages and the recent European changes, that is short lived because apparently “some people are sensitive about it”. (This is where my head hits the table, I lift it up and drop it again for good measure).

I think I need to get one of those signs put up normally reserved for happy anecdotes on house rules like laughter and fluffy stuff. Only mine will read…Diets are bullshit, weight is just a number and if you take about size I will chase you out the house faster than I hit the bar on a kid free night out!

A Pre 9am “Get Your Head Out Of The Washing Machine” Kinda Day

It would seem today is started by my little men as they mean to go on. Which leaves me wondering if I should skip to this afternoon and just lock myself in the kitchen now?

What If I have The Same Problem as Dr Watson?

Anyone who is a fan of the Steven Moffat’s version of Sherlock Holmes series, will know that in the first episode A Study In Pink,  Dr Watson is seeing a therapist to deal with life after his service in Afghanistan.

Let Them See You, As You Are

Take a scroll through your photo collections, chances are there will be thousands of pictures of giggles with Daddy on happy little faces, birthday presents being ripped open and Grandparents laughing as they dish out cuddles without limit. What you are unlikely to find in these pictures is the one person responsible for capturing those special memories, mum. If she does appear, there may be an attempt at tucking behind someone else in the group or an awkward look that shouts ‘I don’t like having my photo taken’. It is something that I have had to make myself overcome. The reason? I actually want my children to known I existed during their childhood.

Ask yourself honestly, are your children going to be disappointed when they look back and have very little of their mum to see? How she wore her clothes, how her smile was infectious and those hugs that no one else can give, where will the que to those memories be for them?

Mummy Is A Great Big Fraud, She Doesn’t Follow All The Things She Tells You About Food!

We have just had one if those chats, you known the daily ones we can have with our kids…

Child 1: “I’ve had enough, I want some cake”.

Me: “Hmm the dinner is untouched, you’re not having cake darling you need food”.

Child 2: ” I finished all mine and my cake, I would like something else”.

Me: “Of course, if you’re still hungry, what about an apple?”

Child 2: “no, more cake please”.

Me: “The cake was was quite large, if your still hungry eating fruit or a yogurt will give your body what it needs. More cake won’t”.

Child 2: ” No thank you” and tottles off to play.

Child 1 after watching this exchange:
” I want cake, don’t like this!”

Me: “I know you love that, you just want cake and that isn’t going to give you vitamins and energy for playing. We’re like cars, we don’t work properly if we don’t put fuel in. We get tired and can’t do things. Eat up before it goes too cold”.

Child 1: “I had enough” while food has one tiny bite in it.

Me:” OK but there is nothing else to eat if you leave that dinner”, leaves food in the hope they eat something.

Child 1 10mins later: “I’m hungry….”

Me: Has visions of smacking head on the wall, while sneaking another marshmallow in the kitchen.

I honestly believe the things I tell my kids, I make meals to make sure they get the nutrients they need while trying my best to keep their healthy view of food. It is fuel and just something to eat to them, which is lovely but as I say it I feels like a fraud.

I don’t eat right, my general diet is awful left to my own devices. I would quite happily eat take out most days lately. Thankfully finances do not allow for this! Also DH is in charge of shopping and cooking most days (until I get to a better phase). I want to give my kids the best start and avoid them being like me or picking up my bad habits. We eat after they go to bed and it’s a saving grace that keeps my evening habits out if sight.While I tell them all the right things it’s like having a voice in my head laughing because I cannot actually follow my own advice!

If We Could Talk Like A Normal Family, I’d Like To Say…

If I could talk to you in confidence life would be much easier, if I could trust you with my fragile emotional state all would be fine. I can’t trust you, as all you will do is hurt me again. We’re not a normal family though, are we mum.

This May Be The Biggest Thing I Have Ever Done For Myself

Starting this journey to recover from my eating disorder has been the most indepth I have ever gone into my own psyche. It has taken me through some very dark places and I have discovered so much about who I truly am and how I got here. Recently I decided to takle my biggest trigger and perhaps the nucleus of my issues. It has opened the door to lost memories and pain that have held me down. That has led to possibly the biggest change I will ever make.

If We Said Our Negative Thoughts About Ourselves Out Loud, Could Their Power Over Us Be Removed?

Check this powerful video out from Dove France. It hits home hard but left me with a feeling of empowerment. I don’t have to berate myself and I’d be devastated to hear much loved friends and family talk about themselves or to others the way I do myself. That bitch in my head needs to be gone, she’s no friend of mine any more!

Online Friends Are What Keep Me Going

If we chat on here or another social platform, thank you!

Each Day Is A little Harder To Keep The Mask Up

It’s completely understandable that I don’t feel ok, given the last week. It’s frustrating that this would normally be my best week, away from hormones.