Tag Archives: GAD

Back to School

If I look back over this journey it takes a while for me pinpoint specific actions I have taken to get to now as there have been so many small parts to make the bigger picture. ‘Now’ for me would be defined as binge and emotional eating absent (I think its important to use that description instead of ‘free’ as without mindful management, it could all return). I am able to approach weight management with a level head most of the time and I have a strong will to never return to dieting restrictions of the past, it may be more honest to say I have a hatred for the diet industry and often think of running round shouting how shit they are and that the industry is designed to make money, not help you!

Although I can acknowledge the years of work I have put in to recover from my ED, almost 3 in total now, I would say that this period has had the most significant impact for me. It has smashed a lot of my learnt misconceptions and given me the confidence to move even further away from the body hating culture constantly thrown at us.

Since Aug I have been a part-time student! I took an online Diploma in nutrition and it was a fantastic learning experience. The reason for studying was to focus more on myself now my baby is at school and to educate myself on what food is all about on a scientific level.

Whether this would work for all, I don’t know, but for me it was life changing. I now look at food in terms of nutrients and what I need daily, weekly and looking at the trends over longer periods. Despite not dieting prior to the course, I would still view a single meal of high calorie value as able to have a much bigger impact than actually possible, or not drink enough and happy to ignore any consequences of what I may put my body through by not eating propely. It has helped me to be realistic and make choices based on a balanced view, in summary I no longer fear food! Its there for me to fuel my body and eat how I want, that may sound to many like a scary and a complete lack of control, well your not wrong. I no longer need to try control my relationship with food to the degree that it becomes my nemesis, I strike a balance making sure I get as much of what I need as possible and regularly but if I want extra then why not?  It removes the need to be super strict and then rebel, a long worn path in my past and has further strengthened my ability to cope without turning to binges. The more structure I have to support myself without eating, the better the chances are of staying this side of recovery are.

I’m not saying I waved a magic wand and the anxieties all went away and I’m cured. It will always be something I need to mentally coach myslef to some degree. During PMS my confidence can crash and I that day I won’t like what I see in the mirror, or feel confident when walking outside but the difference now is my ability to talk myself back up without food taking over. There is no binge or restriction cycle anymore.

I have a plan of where I want to be rather than a weight or clothes size I want to be which is still a nice feeling as it comes naturally, I passed the faking it ’till I make it a while ago. Even on my weight management I don’t have this dream number in mind because this is me, who I am won’t change and I’m confident being me now. When I feel comfortable moving, strong rather than achey and don’t suffer with pain due to being over weight then that is where I will be in aphysically better condition, nothing more. I am currently losing weight sensibly and slowly for health reasons and im actually enjoying cooking and experimenting with new meals and learning better ways to gwt what I need. this is a separate area to my body confidence which needs a lot of nurturing to maintain. Its not always easy but my driving force is be able to feel about myself the way I do about others and I will eventually achieve that too.

 Aftet my Diploma I decided if i can do that why not go all in, so I did and am now studying a psychology degree so that I can get out there one day in the future and with a plan in my hand to try and help others escape the shit peddled by the media about how we need to be thin and diet and show people that there is another alternative where you can step on those crappy diet leaflets on you body positive journey learning to love you as you are inside and out! 

Body Negative Conversation Bullshit

So picture this, you’re at a family gathering, sharing time, laughs and catching up with relatives (you know the ones you actually like and can spend time with). Of all the topics of conversation possible: Billy’s new little shit scenarios, Daisy’s graduation from her college programme despite being vietually nocturnal or Granddad’s new fishing record (he caught something after 3 years of saying ‘This is my day’). The possibilites for hearing those great missed moments are endless…so what is talked about most of the day? Eating, size and fucking diets!
Now I get more than most the inner turmoil of walking up to the buffet table and filling a plate in front of others but why do the older generation feel the need to discuss size at this point? Its banded round like a joke about gaining and changing size. Is it any wonder that the more vulnerable shrink away and look at themselves through those eyes?

Why is it so fucking hard to make a connection between how their mouth spouts out crap and the people who stop / imcrease eating, for fear you mean them too, when you talk about being fat?! 

I suppose I should point out this us after most being informed discreetly that not only the BED sufferer has an ED but another is slowly slipping into major restrictions with their food? They all gasp and share concern when warned that we need to keep it body positive only (if you need to take about it all. I personally prefer hearing about Billy dragging the plant across the room filling the lounge with soil! Far more entertaining).

Its like watching a snowball grow as the shite conversation gathers pace, almost everyone joining in. Is it a right of passage to being a grown up in the family circle that I wasn’t informed of, my comtibution: screaming ‘cut the crap out’ followed by throwing a plate at the wall, at least mentally anyway. 

It wasn’t just a short spell but all bloody day and its damn hard to stay positive when you’re surrounded. In fact I probably over ate to drown it out a bit, whilst trying to gently guide the other one following all the habits I started with so many years ago, funnily enough, surrounded by the same conversations from different people.

I’m kind fighting this one alone because I hope to (well anything inserted here as I’m not religious) that I can use what I’ve learnt to protect them. Whilst I mentally slap those filling the room with body negative chatter, even if they are lovely people the rest of the time.

Anyone wondering, well why didn’t you just change the subject?…hmmm…it turns out when you switch it to politics and the debate of Trump sinking America into the dark ages and the recent European changes, that is short lived because apparently “some people are sensitive about it”. (This is where my head hits the table, I lift it up and drop it again for good measure).

I think I need to get one of those signs put up normally reserved for happy anecdotes on house rules like laughter and fluffy stuff. Only mine will read…Diets are bullshit, weight is just a number and if you take about size I will chase you out the house faster than I hit the bar on a kid free night out!

Body Positive Holiday!

My recent holiday was the opposite of what I anticipated…

I chose comfort over other peoples opinions. I ate 3+3 every day to fuel my body and felt great. I chose balanced meals over a day and felt more confident in my own ability to look after myself. I had space and time out when I needed to and relaxed because of it. Ultimately I took control of what happened to me and took care of myself. The anxieties were left behind and squashed down, rather than the other way round. 

Now, I’m home and keeping these efforts going. I decided: I don’t want to be a version of someone else, I don’t even want to be thin any more. I want to be a stronger version of me!

June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

She Shot Me Down Again!

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One week with her, that’s all it took to be catapulted back into the darkness and lost world I grew up in. Continue reading

Shit At The End Of The Tunnel

We all aim for a particular with our mental health, the light at the end of the tunnel, if you like. Only sometimes when we get there it isn’t all its cracked up to be! Continue reading

I Made It Out!

Over my 19 months of tackling this demon of BED I have either been in a state of anxiety or depression. Occasionally they decide the tag team system isn’t enough and make a simultaneous assault. It is what it is and we keep going, until one day you realise something else entirely is going on! Continue reading

The Next Chapter – Adjusting What I Eat!

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Each step on my journey has to be approached with acceptance of the time factor and this is no exception.

Continue reading

Hugely Positive Week & Still Needing To Be On Guard

I went to sleep last night still riding the high from the weekend. A night out, the first in a very long time and I loved every second! I felt myself and invigorated to have rediscovered my love of gigs. Food has been pushed even further down the priorities list in my dysfunctional head. Continue reading