June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

I Made It Out!

Over my 19 months of tackling this demon of BED I have either been in a state of anxiety or depression. Occasionally they decide the tag team system isn’t enough and make a simultaneous assault. It is what it is and we keep going, until one day you realise something else entirely is going on!

Not Quite Ready To Face The World – Yet

Many of us tackling body image difficulties and eating disorders will have by now heard of the Body Image Movement.

Let Them See You, As You Are

Take a scroll through your photo collections, chances are there will be thousands of pictures of giggles with Daddy on happy little faces, birthday presents being ripped open and Grandparents laughing as they dish out cuddles without limit. What you are unlikely to find in these pictures is the one person responsible for capturing those special memories, mum. If she does appear, there may be an attempt at tucking behind someone else in the group or an awkward look that shouts ‘I don’t like having my photo taken’. It is something that I have had to make myself overcome. The reason? I actually want my children to known I existed during their childhood.

Ask yourself honestly, are your children going to be disappointed when they look back and have very little of their mum to see? How she wore her clothes, how her smile was infectious and those hugs that no one else can give, where will the que to those memories be for them?

Generalised anxiety disorder in adults – NHS Choices

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Anxiety/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Round & Round We Go

Needing to talk and release emotional turmoil is essential. It serves many purposes and yet induces anxiety symptoms leaving exhaustion and a host of worries behind.

A Phone Call We Hope We Will Never Need To Make

Well this last few days has been a wake up call! I have never had to use the emergency services for myself,  they are for serious cases and something I do not take lightly. Yet this week, without warning, I had to make that call I never thought I would.

Venturing Out Alone, It’s Been A While

I struggle to remember, was I always confident in my younger years or had I simply perfected the art of running away?

Expectations v Reality

For the last few weeks I have been feeling the pressure of summer arriving. Sure it’s warmer and we can get out more, if we want to but what about those of us who don’t want to?!

Anxiety Is Still Ruling My Life

Its not often that there is a gap in my blog posts but I have struggled to know what to share recently. Parts of life have clicked into place and others are floating wildly beyond my grip. I feel like a walking contradiction.