This was an amazing TED Talk, so much new information from studying ED’s. She made me cry, just knowing there are people out there learning what its really like for us.
Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!
At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!
Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.
Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.
It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.
I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.
I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.
I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.
One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?
This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.
So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.
I read this article from Anastasia today and its a good read but also a little tug back to the positivity path we can lose when ‘that’ time of the month arrives.
It may not be universal, (as the tortures of having periods differs for us all) but personally I have noticed this month, more than ever before, just how much hormones distort my view of myself and blows my confidence to pieces.
Just two days ago the new wardrobe plan was working well, I was positive regarding my appearance and happy with my progress to being happy with me. Today I caught sight of my reflection and the old negative voice was screaming everything wrong with how I look! Too fat, disgusting, I should go home and eat because starving myself won’t work fast enough! You name it was there! I was with my youngest at a school event and had to stop myself spinning on my heels and taking us home, his time was definitely more important, so we stayed and I did the last thing I wanted to do; I sat in a room full of people I don’t know and forced myself to interact, smile and be present in the room.
It took some time to quieten the nagging voice shouting that I was ‘too fat to belong’ and get a grip on reality. I was the same size two days ago, two weeks ago even, all that changed was my perception!
No one in that room even considered my size, clothes or anything at all about me, it was just me! No one ushered me out the door for being an embarrassment or disgrace. I had to make the choice to ignore the self attacks and remember I can’t trust my own mind when my hormones are raging. It was no easy feat and to be honest even though I shut it up, the low and inadequate feeling has lingered all day.
It will be gone in two days, just like the fact that; I won’t be raging inside when I hear my husband eat or breath too loud (I swear I develop supersonic hearing each month!), I won’t hate being touched or not feel good enough because I didn’t empty the dishwasher last night (yeah, that renound activity we use to gauge our personal achievements, the bloody dishwasher, WTF mother nature???!) In two days, after my cramps, aches, pains, bleeding and exhaustion I can reverse the rage mutation and get back to being me!
We can all experience struggles with clothing this time of year; be it sizes, cost, the fear of shopping in crowds or simply finding comfort in the heat! If you haven’t seen the summer F&F clothing range at Tesco yet, I’d highly recommend a look!
I bought multiple pairs of trousers!! This is completely unheard of for me when shopping outside of my ‘go to’ plus size store. I normally end up leaving with just tops and simply can’t fit into any of them or face trying on yet another pair of trousers to only end up with disappointment.
This year they have really upped thier game! Lots of choice, good sizes across the whole range and some of the most comfortable clothes I have had in years. I left with a whole bag full without breaking the bank and only one item was a top! I may hunt out a shiny sticker for myself on that score!
This summer my challenge is to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have on. No clothes are going to make me instantly look smaller (I’m working on getting rid of that thought process all together) but I can choose to make choices that I feel good about.
So my usual same old outfits are getting a break and I am trying anything and everything new to see what suits me AS I AM, rather than longing for being smaller and self loathing.
Yesterday I felt good on the school run wearing my new super comfy trousers. I might give a skirt (with comfort shorts underneath) a whirl today. My wardrobe is a little hub of positivity right now and I’m loving it!
Along the twists and turns of recovery I have come across many people who are sharing their story. Some are like myself, giving us a glimpse into their personal struggles of recovery and others who have completely thrown off the straight jacket of their past with eating disorders and now spend their time helping others find life beyond the despair and self hatred.
After finishing my DBT course in March I have continued to battle with good and bad weeks alongside my friends from the course. We all found not having the weekly sessions difficult to adjust to. The lack of routine and professional support really threatened to push us back to a darker place, so rather than roll over and accept that we have chosen to keep going together.
We maintain almost daily contact with a What’s App chat, voicing our concerns and struggles when ever we need to. It helps to talk to others who not only understand but are feeling the exact same emotions. In keeping with our course, we also share articles and resources relevant to our journey together.
One particular source of inspiration for me lately, has been Anastasia Amour. If you haven’t already come across this wonderful woman and her #projectpositive work, I’d highly suggest you take a look. Right now she is my daily go to for body positive inspiration. The articles she shares are Informative, uplifting and really leave you with a sense of belonging in the world. That last point may sound a little far fetched to some but feeling on the outer circle of daily life seems to be status quo with EDs. For me personally it’s a mental line I can’t erase, I simply spend my days skipping from ‘outsider’ on one side to ‘ready to experience all I can’ on the other. Its exhausting and incredibly frustrating to battle with your own head. That’s nothing new but I am now choosing to NOT stress over it any more and try to fill my life with new experiences.
Last year I discovered my love of Death Metal and live gigs, I made new friends and carved out a completely new social circle. My most recent hobby has been researching my family tree. The high i get from finding a new link beats any ‘go to food’ high!
The binge is a hollow option for me now. Although my brain is still hardwired to think of a shopping trip when I feel stressed (or anything remotely unpleasant), I now take that as my cue to analyse what is wrong, sit with how I’m feeling and take steps to address it. I couldn’t be more grateful to the eating disorder team for teaching me this and allowing me to take control of myself again, I couldn’t have got this far without them!
Although the course has finished and we are officially discharged, there will always be a need to keep the positive influences going. That’s where people like Anastasia come in. It may be her or another person who manages to reach out to you, the important thing is to find YOUR recovery inspiration and keep moving forward.
My therapy course is DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) this link will explain what that is and how it is applied to recovering from eating disorders.
Back to blogging regularly after a long time away. Initially I was doing really well and simply didn’t have the time spare to post anything new. My social life has taken off after some effort and it was all happy and great fun. I guess you could say the high has gone and inevitably I have hit a rough patch. The binges have returned and my eating is pretty horrendous in general, skipping meals, over eating and then the out of control shoveling food.
My title sounds more confident than I feel right now. It is slowly becoming more real, I am no longer part of a team at home, I am the team most of the time now. That isn’t to take anything away from my husband, he is a fantastic and living dad. Yet either way you look at it, a huge part if my life has changed… Continue reading
From day one I have hidden who I am on here, it was essential to keep me going. Only now life is quite different, I am a long way from where I started out in January 2014. Where has that time gone? (Most likely hidden in the ups and downs of this rollercoaster journey!) Continue reading
Over my 19 months of tackling this demon of BED I have either been in a state of anxiety or depression. Occasionally they decide the tag team system isn’t enough and make a simultaneous assault. It is what it is and we keep going, until one day you realise something else entirely is going on! Continue reading