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Back to School

If I look back over this journey it takes a while for me pinpoint specific actions I have taken to get to now as there have been so many small parts to make the bigger picture. ‘Now’ for me would be defined as binge and emotional eating absent (I think its important to use that description instead of ‘free’ as without mindful management, it could all return). I am able to approach weight management with a level head most of the time and I have a strong will to never return to dieting restrictions of the past, it may be more honest to say I have a hatred for the diet industry and often think of running round shouting how shit they are and that the industry is designed to make money, not help you!

Although I can acknowledge the years of work I have put in to recover from my ED, almost 3 in total now, I would say that this period has had the most significant impact for me. It has smashed a lot of my learnt misconceptions and given me the confidence to move even further away from the body hating culture constantly thrown at us.

Since Aug I have been a part-time student! I took an online Diploma in nutrition and it was a fantastic learning experience. The reason for studying was to focus more on myself now my baby is at school and to educate myself on what food is all about on a scientific level.

Whether this would work for all, I don’t know, but for me it was life changing. I now look at food in terms of nutrients and what I need daily, weekly and looking at the trends over longer periods. Despite not dieting prior to the course, I would still view a single meal of high calorie value as able to have a much bigger impact than actually possible, or not drink enough and happy to ignore any consequences of what I may put my body through by not eating propely. It has helped me to be realistic and make choices based on a balanced view, in summary I no longer fear food! Its there for me to fuel my body and eat how I want, that may sound to many like a scary and a complete lack of control, well your not wrong. I no longer need to try control my relationship with food to the degree that it becomes my nemesis, I strike a balance making sure I get as much of what I need as possible and regularly but if I want extra then why not?  It removes the need to be super strict and then rebel, a long worn path in my past and has further strengthened my ability to cope without turning to binges. The more structure I have to support myself without eating, the better the chances are of staying this side of recovery are.

I’m not saying I waved a magic wand and the anxieties all went away and I’m cured. It will always be something I need to mentally coach myslef to some degree. During PMS my confidence can crash and I that day I won’t like what I see in the mirror, or feel confident when walking outside but the difference now is my ability to talk myself back up without food taking over. There is no binge or restriction cycle anymore.

I have a plan of where I want to be rather than a weight or clothes size I want to be which is still a nice feeling as it comes naturally, I passed the faking it ’till I make it a while ago. Even on my weight management I don’t have this dream number in mind because this is me, who I am won’t change and I’m confident being me now. When I feel comfortable moving, strong rather than achey and don’t suffer with pain due to being over weight then that is where I will be in aphysically better condition, nothing more. I am currently losing weight sensibly and slowly for health reasons and im actually enjoying cooking and experimenting with new meals and learning better ways to gwt what I need. this is a separate area to my body confidence which needs a lot of nurturing to maintain. Its not always easy but my driving force is be able to feel about myself the way I do about others and I will eventually achieve that too.

 Aftet my Diploma I decided if i can do that why not go all in, so I did and am now studying a psychology degree so that I can get out there one day in the future and with a plan in my hand to try and help others escape the shit peddled by the media about how we need to be thin and diet and show people that there is another alternative where you can step on those crappy diet leaflets on you body positive journey learning to love you as you are inside and out! 

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Back After A Long Absence….

Back to blogging regularly after a long time away. Initially I was doing really well and simply didn’t have the time spare to post anything new. My social life has taken off after some effort and it was all happy and great fun. I guess you could say the high has gone and inevitably I have hit a rough patch. The binges have returned and my eating is pretty horrendous in general, skipping meals, over eating and then the out of control shoveling food.
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A New Chapter – Single Mum With BED

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My title sounds more confident than I feel right now. It is slowly becoming more real, I am no longer part of a team at home, I am the team most of the time now. That isn’t to take anything away from my husband, he is a fantastic and living dad. Yet either way you look at it, a huge part if my life has changed… Continue reading

Considering Outing Myself – Good or Bad Idea?

From day one I have hidden who I am on here, it was essential to keep me going. Only now life is quite different, I am a long way from where I started out in January 2014. Where has that time gone? (Most likely hidden in the ups and downs of this rollercoaster journey!) Continue reading

I Made It Out!

Over my 19 months of tackling this demon of BED I have either been in a state of anxiety or depression. Occasionally they decide the tag team system isn’t enough and make a simultaneous assault. It is what it is and we keep going, until one day you realise something else entirely is going on! Continue reading

Why I’m Eating More Now Than I Ever Have And I Couldn’t Be Happier

believe-in-yourself

Just 18 months ago starting out to get myself better was a scary process. The level of panic I felt just considering a life without a diet was all consuming. The only life I could envisage was one where I ate myself into an early grave. In my mind it was giving up and letting food take over my life, my definition of the ultimate failure!

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Let Them See You, As You Are

Take a scroll through your photo collections, chances are there will be thousands of pictures of giggles with Daddy on happy little faces, birthday presents being ripped open and Grandparents laughing as they dish out cuddles without limit. What you are unlikely to find in these pictures is the one person responsible for capturing those special memories, mum. If she does appear, there may be an attempt at tucking behind someone else in the group or an awkward look that shouts ‘I don’t like having my photo taken’. It is something that I have had to make myself overcome. The reason? I actually want my children to known I existed during their childhood.

Ask yourself honestly, are your children going to be disappointed when they look back and have very little of their mum to see? How she wore her clothes, how her smile was infectious and those hugs that no one else can give, where will the que to those memories be for them?

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LGBT Support – Speak Up

Whether your part of the LGBT community or an Ally its worth a look. This book looks pretty inspiring. There are so many young people who need support or just to know they are accepted. June is Pride month in the US.

http://www.amightygirl.com/it-gets-better

A Whole New Me – With Added Confidence and Boundaries!

Each time I go through a dark period, I come out of it eventually with new found progress. It seems logical that after months of struggling to function day to day, my progress would be greater. Even I have been taken by surprise at the changes that have become apparent in the last couple of weeks. Continue reading