June, What A Crappy Month That Was!

Sometimes you just can’t wait to see that back of certain time periods, June 2016 can be dumped on that list!

At the start of the month I was 2 months off medication and doing great.My key moment was doing a long journey and only realised on the way home that anxiety hadn’t interviened at all. Life felt rather good!

 Fast forward a month and I’m back to feeling like hiding from the world with my hands over my ears to block out the noise.

Between looking after the kids and working every spare minute I had for 3 weeks straight my stress levels were permnantly raised, that is one of my worst triggers for anxiety, which is now firmly wedged in my daily life again.

It’s taken a long time to accept but I can’t do it all, not that I’ve ever wanted to but that’s not the same as pressure to be able to do it all. I can either focus on full time work or full time mum. When both are combined I crack and can’t give focus to either. This manifests as irritability and very little patience and the most simple tasks are too much for me to cope with. I can’t even decide which dog food to buy, the choices on the shelves overwhelm me.

I was already struggling with bad memories resurfacing but I didn’t have time (or more to the point didn’t give myself time) to think about why they were coming up. It made sense when I realised a particular day was the anniversary of a difficult event for me.
This year has to be the first time I’ve ever acknowledged the pain and emotions I have attached to that day. Its knocked me quite badly. Combined with the stress my eating has been gradually getting worse.

I’m aware that I have to look at my emotions and work through them. It won’t be over night but I wish it was. My bad side has taken over somewhat, I stay up late, eat too much (a lot of it crap) plus doing very little for myself. A reset button would be handy right now.

I’m trying to make small changes to help myself. I’ve reduced my social commitments, I’m trying to fight the voices that tell me ‘I’m no good, I look hideous and need to diet to make it all better’….even after all this time those demons are always ready to strike when I’m down. I just have to choose not to give in.

One area I can’t change is the decision from Weight Management Services on whether I’m an elligible candidate for them. I hate things being out of my control but I think the true feelings run deepet than that. It will have contributed to my ready long list of shitty things to deal with in June.
 Part of me is rebelling against making food a focus again and making changes to what I eat. The other issue is what happens if I’m not accepted, how do I move forward with weight loss, without relapsing?

This isn’t a focus like restrictions of the past. Its about re-educating myself on how to eat without the mentality of diets and instant expectations. I need to lose weight to be comfortable, not ache all the time and generally nimprove my health. Doing that alone makes me quite scared and the pressure would be immense. I can’t make alternative plans until I hear from them, its not a good place for me to be in.

So all in, June can do one and I’m trying to make July a more positive month. I fear it may take longer than that to be back in a good place again.

Body Checking Demons & Periods, Evil Bastards Working Together!

I read this article from Anastasia today and its a good read but also a little tug back to the positivity path we can lose when ‘that’ time of the month arrives.

Body Checking – Anastasia Amour

It may not be universal, (as the tortures of having periods differs for us all) but personally I have noticed this month, more than ever before, just how much hormones distort my view of myself and blows my confidence to pieces.

Just two days ago the new wardrobe plan was working well, I was positive regarding my appearance and happy with my progress to being happy with me. Today I caught sight of my reflection and the old negative voice was screaming everything wrong with how I look! Too fat, disgusting, I should go home and eat because starving myself won’t work fast enough! You name it was there! I was with my youngest at a school event and had to stop myself spinning on my heels and taking us home, his time was definitely more important, so we stayed and I did the last thing I wanted to do; I sat in a room full of people I don’t know and forced myself to interact, smile and be present in the room.

It took some time to quieten the nagging voice shouting that I was ‘too fat to belong’ and get a grip on reality. I was the same size two days ago, two weeks ago even, all that changed was my perception!

No one in that room even considered my size, clothes or anything at all about me, it was just me! No one ushered me out the door for being an embarrassment or disgrace. I had to make the choice to ignore the self attacks and remember I can’t trust my own mind when my hormones are raging. It was no easy feat and to be honest even though I shut it up, the low and inadequate feeling has lingered all day.

It will be gone in two days, just like the fact that; I won’t be raging inside when I hear my husband eat or breath too loud (I swear I develop supersonic hearing each month!), I won’t hate being touched or not feel good enough because I didn’t empty the dishwasher last night (yeah, that renound activity we use to gauge our personal achievements, the bloody dishwasher, WTF mother nature???!) In two days, after my cramps, aches, pains, bleeding and exhaustion I can reverse the rage mutation and get back to being me!