Each time I go through a dark period, I come out of it eventually with new found progress. It seems logical that after months of struggling to function day to day, my progress would be greater. Even I have been taken by surprise at the changes that have become apparent in the last couple of weeks.
I have cracked my shopping issues, being able to enter a store and buy only the items I need. There is no buzz or high when I see the items I could grab and eat as soon as I get home. I did two very quick shops before I realised that I’d not binge shopped at all. On the third I was picking up dinner for a child free night and I was mindful when I went that this was a trigger for me to become out of control. What actually happened was me looking for what I could eat to enjoy and then getting bored! I don’t think it sank in for a while, me in a food shop and bored, that’s not possible is it? To then get home and feel more like having a rest than eating, it felt nice and odd at the same time.
It gave me hope that I would return to doing the family food shop, something I have actively avoided. Not only do I not want to binge, we can’t afford for me to do that every week! Only it came up at the weekend unexpectedly. My husband was ill and we needed quite a few things. I went with a list, as always but the difference was I only bought what was on it. (If I saw something else I needed it went in the trolley). Again the other items didn’t call to me with their yummy flavours taking over my thoughts, I didn’t get carried away seeing all my favourites. I saw many but knowing I can eat them anytime but didn’t want them today was quite a high on its own. I have removed the one thing I never thought possible! My cupboards don’t have masses of binge food and I am not panicking. If in feel like something, I can nip and get it. (Yes me:) )
In general I feel much more confident. My instinct is to think of emotions when I feel low and asses where something needs attention. I feel hungry regularly now and eat accordingly, rather than deciding if I should consume more food or even be allowed something. It’s so liberating to have two distinct areas in my head, I don’t ever remember having emotions and food not intrinsically linked.
After so long forcing myself to asses a situation before offering myself up, it has become natural to step away from things I don’t want to, without guilt. I find myself searching for the emotional response but it isn’t there. I think building that one up will be fun, I can almost will myself to ,’woman up’ and make sure I apply it in all areas of life. I have dealt with a friendship situation already and my instinct was to deal with it matter-of-factly as opposed to drowning in guilt and taking responsibility for everything. Coming face to face with certain people will be the bench mark for overall success with this one I think.
Talking to a friend last week reminded me of happier times when I was young. Inside the home was hard but it had been a while since I’d looked past the hurt and dark to the positives outside the home, with much loved friends. I had a wonderful trip down memory lane, looking up locations and information of where I lived. Those memories were so warming, remembering who I was back then, confident and secure for a time and settled. That girl is still part of me and I can be like that again. Just that knowledge has been enough for me to feel far more like ‘myself’, the version of me hidden under BED, depression and anxiety of late. When ever I feel self don’t coming in , I am focusing on those memories and feeling much more capable. Not only have I helped the lost girl from my childhood, she has helped me see parts of me I’d forgotten.
My eating is free from worries or conflicts at the moment. I feel better for keeping my meals regular and reasonable portions. Just last night I had dinner and though about eating a cake. I was full from my meal so didn’t eat anything else. I swear although these are my own thoughts, its like they are happening to someone else! Later on I was hungry again, genuinely hungry. I ate the cake, had a drink and went to bed. That seems such an easy thing to think and act on but for as long as I can remember I would have either made myself go to bed hungry or already have eaten even though I was full. Could I actually be edging into recovery? Who knows but what ever the case I will continue to work on myself and my thought processes.
This isn’t just a new chapter of my recovery, it’s a new version of me. Dare I say it, I can even feel a sense of pride in my achievements. My age old feelings of ‘it just happened, I didn’t achieve anything’ are hovering but I know I have worked hard to get here, so those thoughts are getting very little head space. One day I will banish them all together!