I struggle to remember, was I always confident in my younger years or had I simply perfected the art of running away?
I went out today alone to shops. It was with a tighness in my chest full of apprehension and a longing to get it over with, to get home and close the door. I found myself trying to think of how I felt before I aknowledged my anxiety disorder. Sure enough I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Yet there was a time I would venture the world alone with an outward shield protecting me.
I was always happy to return to where ever was home at the time. I made acquaintances easily but count very few people as friends. I do not trust readily and in more recent times I rely heavily on my Empathic sense to guide me.
I know that I hid my feelings from everyone, including myself gaining a much loved reputation as a self sufficient and strong willed womam. It protected me enough to almost believe that’s who I was. The truth of course was always there, occasionally rearing its head.
That person is gone now, she was lost some time ago. So who am I now? The anxious one that was always hidden or have I become a different one entirely? My outward vulnerability is a scary situation for me. I feel as if the foundations I stand on are like stones moving. Assessing this makes me want to cry, yet I’m not sure why?
Is this merely a phase of rejuvenation, the chrysalis in my rebirth? Who will I be, a new stronger person for seeking to excercise my demons or am I this way for ever? I’d like to be more determined and able to go out alone again with confidence but who knows? For now I feel lost and will hope in time it will happen, there is so much I want to do.