If We Could Talk Like A Normal Family, I’d Like To Say…

If I could talk to you in confidence life would be much easier, if I could trust you with my fragile emotional state all would be fine. I can’t trust you, as all you will do is hurt me again. We’re not a normal family though, are we mum.
If we were close I wouldn’t be sat here feeling like I am a cruel and horrible person. What kind of daughter plans when she will inform her mother that their relationship is to end? As a mother myself I know the words can’t actually undo the facts of genetics but we will no longer be in contact. Only I have to wait, not because of some sadistic plan to cause maximum damage (that is the opposite of who I am) but in order to limit it. I need you to have you reaction away from others and not ruin something special for someone else. I know you well enough to know how selfish you can be when wronged.

Waiting is horrible! I have no desire to cause anyone pain, least of all the people that raised me. I would love nothing more than for my attempts to reach out to you recently, to have worked. We could have been working through some difficult situations but agreeing that it was to get to a better place as mother and daughter. Only I slammed into that wall called denial again. I have repeated my attempts unsuccessfully over the last couple of months, being both crushed and entertained at times by your lack of insight. It has been difficult to drop any little bit I clung onto that you weren’t a total narcissist, only I have it in black and white in many different replies.

Even just yesterday I felt strong and secure in my decision. Today I feel like that is crumbling, you’re in a good mood and talking to me normally. I feel cruel replying knowing what I need to do. Normally by now in the abuse cycle, I’d be relieved we had moved into the calm phase. Sadly it is without fail followed by the anxiety phase where I worry what will upset you next. Occasionally you even manage to blindside me by informing me you are still upset about my earlier ‘error’ and so it goes round. Do they issue certificates for the number of years you complete? I have entered decades now, surely it warrants a special occasion.

What I want, what I always wanted was for you to mean it when you say you love me. For us to be close and you to care for me, unconditionally. I wouldn’t fear being hurt and you would have the closeness you want. When I’m upset, you could listen and be sympathetic and do all the things I’d do for my children. The idea of causing even the tiniest amount of hurt to them that you have gifted me, is unthinkable. I need to cling to that fact when I cut you off.

I pray that you don’t direct any of this to my sibling,  I can’t protect them anymore and that scares me. I hope he remains the golden child, so he never feels what I have. I also pray they don’t cut me off. I don’t think they will but I must respect any life choice they make because it is their life to live.

It could still be ok, if you deal with all you hold inside. The demons that throw your emotions out front like a grenade, leaving no space for others. None of the past will matter, it can be just that past. I can forgive it all and let it all go if you can be a mum to me. The only problem is it isn’t past when you continue to mistreat me. The recent speciality has been telling me you want to hwlp mw what wvwr it takes, then give me reminders of the damage I won’t be able to undo if I continue to confront you. I don’t think I will ever understand how you can do that to me. You ask for examples and then in the same conversation  tell me that all I am saying never happened and we should just move on?!!

I am walking away as I cannot take it anymore. My husband doesn’t deserve your projection when I confront you. My children will absolutely not be growing up with the same fears and insecurities you bred into me. What will letting them see how you treat me do for them? I know as I watched it happen to you and you know what, I completed supported the idea when you wanted to walk away from the exact same thing. I look back and still think you should have for you and your kids.

So it is down to me to end this damaging pattern. My kids will see that when someone disrespects everything about you and your emotions mean nothing to them,  they have no place in your life. It is their issue not yours. I so wish it were as easy as typing that sentence but I’m not hard like you think, I am emotional I just became an expert at hiding it. I want you to change, I want the mum I hoped and know you could have been once. Part of me has seen that it has gone too far but people can turn their lives around can’t they. Sadly I know you so well I could write the script for you.
My final thought for you would be this…if you have never done anything wrong and all I say is mis-remembered, why do you not behave the same way in front of your friends? If there is nothing to hide I wonder how they would feel hearing all the projected caring loving person is capable of with her own daughter?!

I will do it, once you can’t wreck another milestone.I lost all of mine to you but I won this one, even if it was for someone elses happiness. You will get no more from me.

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