Todays posting seems to have fallen into three distinct categories: Depression, Anxiety and now BED. I didn’t plan it, I rarely write with a plan at all. This is my space for therapy and I go with the emotions at the time, they come out as I write.
My eating isn’t often a topic of my posts, evidentially I use this space to work on the causes rather than the symptoms. However, its important that I share this element too, so others can see what progress therapy can make.
I am still staying away from shops when possible. Buying only the food we need is still beyond my control. My husband does the main shop and I will do smaller ones. I repeat a matra whilst in there, questioning what do I need? I am yet to buy just that although the amount I do spend has been reduced using that process.
For a couple of months I have been on a completely dairy free diet. It has made a huge difference to my helath as I don’t feel sick all the time or have to sprint to the bathroom. It has also brought a sense of pride in looking after myself. I can do it and have stuck to it. The alternative is to return to self harm and feel unwell, not something I want to do. It hasn’t been hard to stick to as the alternatives are fantastic. Also many items that require long shelf life have no dairy in anyway.
What has become apparent in this last two weeks is my inability to stop eating these alternatives. I have been buying them at every opportunity. I don’t restrict what I eat, if I want I will have it. That has been fine for some time as it reduced my binges massively and I actually chose the more nutritious option. It is clear now though, that although I haven’t gone as far as daily binges, I am on the border, over eating every day!
My weight has increased slightly. That is an indicator to me rather than previously where it would have caused panic, so that is progress. However, having any form of restriction in my dietry management is obviously still a trigger. I have now introduced the question, am I buying / eating this because I want it? Or is it to help me cope and because I fear not having it again? Clearly I have been doing the latter of these two options. I have resolved to stop myself doing this, afterall the world isn’t going to run out of cakes and biscuits is it?!
The other area I seem to have slipped with is take outs. I rarely cook and have no motivation to prepare a proper dinner. I will readily order dinner and then stuff myslef. Last night I ate so much it was uncomfortable. Clearly something I need to remedy.
The last two months have been hard emotionally, so I fully accept my BED would weave into that. My life long coping mechanism serving me to it best ability. I have dampened this ability significantly but we are still very much entwined.
Also not eating much in the morning at all, a small luch and then a lot in the evening is my classic pattern with BED. That is a daily occurrence lately. I added items to the shopping list today I know I can face eating and made sure I have options for lunch I’m likely to eat with ease. I think a revisit of Dr Fairburns monitoring is in order.
I am not paniced or planning a diet , more recognising that I am in a difficult time. I can cope far better than a year ago. The fact I can see there is a problem and plan to tackle it, is sign of how far I have come.
There are many positives I can list in my progress, I still don’t rush to eat out in restaurantd, I asses my emotions and binges are still few and far between. Not bad really!
This is just a work in progress and in another year I will be much further ahead again. Next month I start my therapy group with Eating Disorder Services, who knows what that could bring.x