Being in the grip of self loathing, inadequacy and failure is hell. We go round in circles trying to change things, to feel normal and able to step outside without the burning embarrassment our bodies create. How do we stop it? Who could possibly understand or want to be burdened with our crushed self esteem. That’s if we can actually articulate how you feel!
The biggest lesson I have learnt throughout this journey is the key to fixing this was within me. That’s not to trivialise the concept of an eating disorder. I simply discovered that under my fears, anxiety and feelings of complete inadequacy was ME.
I won’t be over my issues for some time yet but It’s such a comfort to finally feel like I can succeed. No one has given it to me, I had to unload all I carried. Issues I burried and couldn’t face had to be confronted. That hurt and dragged me down for a time but the alternative was to hold onto them and eat to hide them. Most were locked so deep, I didn’t know what was wrong.
Each set back I have now is still higher than where I started. I can tell you what I’m good at and look in the mirror again. The same reflection is there but I see what is there, not what I was afraid of everyone else seeing.
All those little things that have niggled you, tackle them. You may just find, like I did, that the root of the issue went far deeper than I was able to aknowledge or face. I was strong enough even when I didn’t feel it. You may just find a part of you that you haven’t allowed to be yet.
Oh and that fear I wouldn’t suceed with my new venture, well that’s slowly subsiding. Turns out it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The panic is gradually being replaced by achievements.