Shopping is a form of torture for me. Clothes shopping would be the absolute worst case! I normally try clothes on, whilst being shown my horrible reflection from every conceivable angle. It’s rare that I find something that either fits properly (no matter what my size I’m and unusual shape) or that suits me. Normally to get to that stage is a success. I would get myself something to eat on the way home and binge. It can take days to get over the feelings of shame and disgust in myself. So I avoid clothes shopping at all costs. My trip of torture is braved on average once a year, unless I have a desperate need for something new.
Yesterday I had to go as I had a hole in my too small trousers, that was threatening to reveal far too much to the world! Even then I almost talked myself out of it, almost. I went to the plus size store Yours, that has some gorgeous items. I felt welcome not judged as the staff did everything to help find the correct sizes for me. (It can take a while) but I came out with not only clothes but a happy feeling. This is a huge first and something I’m really proud of. It helped that I was in a store where I don’t stand out, where I don’t scare the other customers for daring to not look perfect. I was just another shopper. Add this to the work I have been doing on my body image and it was good.
The mirror is normally my enemy, simply serving to throw my failures back at me. I have allowed the mirror back into my bedroom, only this time for a good reason. I may use it to check if I’m looking ok (usually, do I have my clothes on inside out. You’d be surprised how often I manage this!) I do my make up and hair (for work). The only other thing I’m allowed to look for are positives and improvements, definitely no negatives or failures. Things like changes from the gym, or part of me thatay actually be ok. I’m a long way off normal thoughts without prompting myself but it’s obviously working. I accepted in the changing room it wasn’t going to look great but it also wasn’t as hideous as my head may have me believe. I found clothes that fit and a dress that actually, when I put it on, I felt pretty. My husband and son loved it too. Whether it was my willingness to try and buy one or the actual look (Perhaps a bit of both) but they looked really happy. So after quite a few changes and choices, yesterday for first time (quite possibly ever) I left a shope £90 lighter and a whole lot happier. I cant wait to go again and that is a huge success for me!