Today was my first binge in quite a while. I had my GP appointment for depression and anxiety. I am back on medication to help manage my symptoms. I have requested a referal for counselling and the GP has referred me to an eating disorder clinic. Continue reading
Right now I am struggling with the concept that I can achieve something….. Anything. Having taken the tentative steps towards self employment, I am panicking. What if I am no good, what if it fails as none wants to buy my work and what if I have to go back to being an employee?
My mood has been like the English weather today, a little bit of everything thrown in!
Just that. I can’t stop these feelings of constant anxiety and inadequacy. I’m a smart individual who wouldn’t expect anyone else to suddenly snap out of this black cloud. So why do I feel like a failure for not being able to?
I can’t stand being centre of attention. To stand out for me is to put my flaws on mass display. I always try to put others first, that is my comfort zone. Yet I suffer with two conditions that make me feel self absorbed; Anxiety and Depression. I constantly carry thoughts about myself, the angst of my situations and the mass of emotions these create.I am definitely not cut of for this battle. I hate it!
Things just aren’t going right this week. It feels like one thing after another! I just want to hide away and cry:-(. I can’t keep my anxiety under control and I feel like I’m a total failure this week. I’m so stressed about work I’m not hungry. What I have eaten has been relatively healthy but not much of it. (Not a conscious choice to restrict though). Despite wanting to feel positive everything just feels a bit crap! My week was just topped off by finding out my much wanted and needed appointment with my PT isn’t happening tonight. We mixed up our dates.
Nope, that’s it I’m just sat crying now. I worked my arse off today and I’m too tired for an extra full on session in the gym. I need that new programme to keep me motivated. Today. is. officially. shit!
If someone walked past me now, they would have no idea the emotions I have flying around on the inside. Continue reading