This should be what we teach our kids. Continue reading
After being on my CBT programme for 5 months I well and truly have control and a better understanding of what role weighing myself plays in my eating disorder. I donit once a werk on a set day and then forget about it, its just something to keep an eye on but not obsss about anymore.
Don’t laugh at the guy you drove past, who had wierd tan lines. Otherwise you may get home to find….not only have you got sunburn whilst wearing your quirky new top but before you left home the kids secretly wiped their suncream on you. So now you have random white patches in the ridiculous red areas!
With each step of my journey I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve had good weeks and horrendous weeks, successful day’s and well let’s face it…some fantastically shit ones. I was given a good piece of advice on a dark day that stuck with me…’Fake It till you make it’. It made me laugh at first but it was actually just what I needed. I put it into practice just to see if it would help me and you known what, it really did work!
I walked into the gym like I belonged there, rather than the newbie who didn’t fit in I actually felt. I decided to buy new clothes, although I didn’t feel worthy if it. I started deliberately making additional healthy food choices that would be associated with a fitness fanatic, rather than worrying if people though I was ridiculous and wasting my time because I’m overweight. But most prominently I began sharing my photography, even though it shot my anxiety through the roof. I kept all these things up, because if I was faking it then I still wasn’t showing how I truly felt and that was still my armour.
The knock on effect of this ‘faking’ is that I’ve realised these things aren’t additions to me and my personality, they were already there. I got so much enjoyment from not worrying what others may think and just being happy with me. There is no faking it now, I feel like a new person and it’s such a release. I’m still going to have bad days and my body image isn’t suddenly fixed completely but I’m papering over the cracks in my self worth and reparing a lifetime of damage with positivity. I’m good at giving and seeing the best in others. I guess now I’m deciding to treat myself how I treat others, and accepting that I am actually worth something. I have a lot to offer and I do have talents. There are a lot of new experiences for me to try, like regular shopping for items I want, buying something a little bit for expensive for myself or just having a treat. I even went out in a sleeveless top due to hot weather and although I domt weigh any less I was comfident with it. That’s a.reliwf in itwelf, not sweating because I’m in a cardigan to hide my arms. Not major in the grand scheme of things but these are bad habits of a lifetime broken, not bad hey?! The latest little push of the comfort zone….sharing photos and posts about my progress in real life using my own name. It’s scary but the response was pretty overwhelming, I think those close to me have always seen past where my eating disorder stopped me. That’s quite an eye opener as hardly anyone knows I have this problem. Or am I actually ready to say had? Now that is something to smile about.
I have binging under control, I have coping mechanisms in place but what I don’t have is confidence in myself.This is something I want to change, to not care what people think or how they judge, to feel ok to stand out from the crowd. I will get there but I accept it will be a marathon, not a sprint!
Shopping is a form of torture for me. Clothes shopping would be the absolute worst case! I normally try clothes on, whilst being shown my horrible reflection from every conceivable angle. It’s rare that I find something that either fits properly (no matter what my size I’m and unusual shape) or that suits me. Normally to get to that stage is a success. I would get myself something to eat on the way home and binge. It can take days to get over the feelings of shame and disgust in myself. So I avoid clothes shopping at all costs. My trip of torture is braved on average once a year, unless I have a desperate need for something new.
A great read and some good truths. I need to remember some of her lessons when I’m desperate to be smaller faster than it’s happening. I’m in this for the long haul, not just this week or this month but a permanent change. That will take a very long time, but I think my hardest battle is almost won. I have stopped binging as a coping mechanism. That has been replaced by training as my first thought, when something happens. I am making the changes I need to succeed.
Anyone know? Quite obviously when mother nature did her magic, she had one eye on something else and slipped up.