One week with her, that’s all it took to be catapulted back into the darkness and lost world I grew up in.
One visit and I can’t pull myself out weeks later. My eating has become sporadic and unbalanced, my depression is back and my anxiety has thrown my happy life into chaos.
I know what she is like, my clever NCP Mother, reeling everyone in with Oscar worthy performances but she saves her best for me, how lucky am I. I’m not sure I will ever be able to fully accept a person can be so selfish and cruel, not that its not true but how DO you accept your parent is so bad on the inside?
I feel like a child again, useless, u able to make decisions and at an all time low with my self confidence. I got to a good place where I hadn’t even worried about her coming to stay, I could handle it, well that’s what I thought. What can I say, never underestimate NCP! No matter how well you are doing, they will still break you.
My newly built life hasn’t changed, its there to enjoy when I pull myself out if this tail spin. Each day is a struggle right now, I want to hide away, switch my head off and at the same time not sleep because it means another day to get through. The best bit she managed to pull off?…With well practiced manipulation and confusion she is coming before Christmas for another week…God help me!
I want to share my progress with therapy and all the things I have learnt but it feels like one of a huge list of things I have to do. The anxiety make it seem like that anyway, I promise I will write up about the process (which has been so helpful) when I feel able. As I put myself back together as best I can, I hope to be sharing a lot that I have learnt. As always this is a group recovery journey….