Its not often that there is a gap in my blog posts but I have struggled to know what to share recently. Parts of life have clicked into place and others are floating wildly beyond my grip. I feel like a walking contradiction.
I am definitely less depressed feeling the block to emotional connections lifted. My relationship with my husband has a renewed closeness, very much welcomed by us both. As always my energy goes into the children first, ensuring their happiness and emotional safety. Only now I have a lot left over.
I haven’t jumped into anything, instead I have allowed caution to guide me. I cook and do more about the house. When I feel that familiar sense of ‘this is too much’ I back off and accept any guilt isn’t warranted while I am ill. It doesn’t always work but I’m not pushing myself when I shouldn’t and that is a positive change. By being kind to myself, I am managing more and more.
Even yesterday I had a sense of wanting to return to work in an office. I’m good at what I did before my redundancy and the thrill of doing that again was rather enticing, even tinged with ambition. It’s far too soon but was a welcome feeling. To be honest I feared I may never have my hard work ethic again. I wore it like a badge of pride and it gave me a huge sense of achievement. Not being able to muster up the strength and courage to do any work with my own business since the end of February has been a difficult situation for me. I have had no choice to ride it out, hoping that I would be able to build back up to working regularly again. I am giving myself space to recover rather than let the fear drive me further back.
I have done a job recently and it was a welcome self test which I passed. It helped to remind me that I can do my work and I’m not a fraud. My anxiety gives me those fears and strips my self confidence. Today it is particularly high and I need to set aside time to work out what triggered it to the point if a rapid heartbeat.
Jumping back into work would be disastrous. The idea of generating clients and then facing them is enough to have me panicked. So I will have to build it up as a hobby again, when I’m able and use those days to build my confidence back up. I am taking this chance to get to a healthy level, knowing that I used to pull 12 hour shifts working myself to exhaustion wasn’t healthy. I can see that I used work as an escape from all my worries and really everything I have tackled this last year. I will be able to introduce a work life balance, something I was terrible at before.
I face the same question often ‘How is the photography going’. My response is that I am taking time out after being so busy, to spend time with my youngest. It’s not a lie and it is time that I cherish dearly with my baby. (Well they are always our babies, even when they are charging round the house). What I can’t say is that I am ill and that anxiety has stopped me doing my job. That each day I aim for the basics and many days that what I achieve. It is an achievement I recognise, something as simple as being able to clean the kitchen can make me feel capable. Doesn’t make for good conversation at the school gates does it :-).