Over the last couple of months I have confronted my biggest trigger. It has sent me backwards to a darker place and given me days where the simplest of tasks has been too much. This confrontation process came to a head recently.
I made a decision to go ahead and say all that I had held in over the years, not just some but absolutely everything, all that I had wanted to have aknowledged and the crushing pain it had caused me. Whether or not I received any validation for my emotions was irrelevant and I said it all to the person involved. Of course my emotions were met with the anticipated brick wall (almost comical in it’s absolute denial) and life carried on…only with a difference I hadn’t anticipated.
Once the initial upset had subsided (because I am only human) I noticed a weight had lifted. Throughout my journey, who I started out as has slowly faded, gradually being replaced with a stonger and happier version. What I hadn’t been aware of, was just how much weight I carried with me.
All that I had held in was part of the depression that casts a shadow over my life. Saying everything out loud has released me somewhat from Depression’s grip. I have been able to feel the joy in a day, appreciate the sunshine with a smile and generally feel happiness touch me. I have always appreciated what I have and love my life but it has been with dulled senses. Times when I know I should feel the warmth of happiness inside, there is only a void. Well that void has now shrunk considerably.
It seems ridiculous that I didn’t know how much I had carried throughout my life. That must have been obvious right? That’s how it seems now anyway.Whilst working through all my issues one thing has been apparent: I can’t change other people but I can change my reaction to them. It has served me well and changed how I approach difficult situations but I made an error in my interpretation of this wonderful quote. You see I hadn’t said my feelings out loud and owned them with conviction, instead I had used the life long habit of burying them. That is not what it meant at all. I have every right to say how I feel, the hurt that sits in my chest like a knife. To tell those closest to me what has really gone on and been said.
F.O.G has been a great contributor to my silence and lack of sharing but it is only the truth I am speaking, where is guilts place in that?!
So life has become a little bit brighter and sharper for me, not so dulled by depression. I can only liken it to watching an amazing film with a crappy old TV and then upgrading to HD. Both are capable of letting you watch but the latter is a much more enjoyable experience.