I learnt to recognise what emotions I am feeling and often use positive coping mechanisms, removing the reliance on binges. Only now and then, they are the only option and that is so disheartening when you have made such progress towards getting rid of them.
I can’t talk about feeling anxious or low at the moment and tomorrow being my only opportunity seems so far away to let it all out. You see we have a family situation that means I need to reign in my emotional distress in order to support others in need. What I want to do is fold and hide away, I am in no position mentally to carry others and cope. I love my family dearly and have done so without question or request, life doesn’t revolve around me and my issues but my god it’s tough to put a front on when I am in the hardest period of my life.
Sat watching my children and willing nap time to arrive, so I can escape the weight of my own thoughts, I find myself wandering to all the places I could run away to. These aren’t safe havens of friends or relatives but the santuary of fast food restaurants, with the colourful decor, relaxed music and the remedy I crave in mass orders of crap food. I dream of this today, in the way others probably envisage a spa retreat. My saving grace I suppose is the inability to cope with noise and interaction, it’s all to much so home I stay.
I am on a journey of recovery and there will be down day and binges but they bring a mixture of emotions I can’t really covey. Two halfs of me in conflict one wanting a binge and the other wanting therapy in talking. Thankfully my husband did the shopping today, we have pretty much written off my ability to do it for now. (I can’t imagine what I would spend and how much unnecessary food I would purchase, the last attempt is still being eaten by us all after two weeks!)
I can see my binges serve a purpose but in my current stage of recovery, it’s like having a ball of string tangled up. Once you start undoing it, the original state of knots isn’t possible anymore and there is some way to go before you have a neat string again. That is kind of how I feel, most days are good as I work to undo the tangled mess it keeps binges at bay. Obviously my mental state is not good as I exercise long held demons but I am ok with that. I just struggle shoving it all back into a box and sitting on that box pretending to smile while I help others. Such is life and onwards we drag ourselves.