After a what has felt like forever, I am finally getting myself back together.
I took a break from all the negative influences news, social media and most interactions beyond much loved family and special friends. It has taken some considerable strength to get up each day and function on a basic level but I managed it. I don’t think I have ever been as depressed or anxious as I have been these last two weeks. I barely left the house out of fear.
I decided to give myself two weeks to check out from the world. In a way it helped to give me head space but I still had to work through accepting that my life has involved a great deal of denial about emotional abuse I have suffered. That isn’t sorted completely but its no longer paralysing me.
My anxiety became unmanageable and I increased my medication (with the permission of my doctor). My eating and need to binge has fluctuated. Some days food hasn’t bothered me and other I have craved binges all day. Just this weekend I lost control in a shop and spent far too much money. I became incredibly anxious when I was given the total, like an alarm waking me up from some dream while I chucked item after item in my basket. So there is clearly plenty of work to do but I do hope that tackling my biggest trigger and letting long hidden emotions out will help me get where I need to.
Today is the first day that I have felt myself and going out wasn’t anxiety inducing. I am nervous that my meds are masking the depth of my issue but it isn’t negotiable. All I can do is continue to work on letting go of my negative emotions and accept the past as is.
Going forward I have new barriers in place and will continue to remove anything that doesn’t aid my recovery. Now that I feel more stable I can go back to what i love, helping others on their journey.