Subconscious Hauntings

I am working through the emotional turmoil of the last week. It would be safe to say I feel quite depressed at present.

I can’t hide behind the denial of who my mother and step father are anymore. It is a hard though to get my head round, that they will never be there for me emotionally and their needs and wants always overide mine. It’s never been any different, I just have it in black and white now.

I am trying to continue as best I can, life doesn’t stop and I am a mum. My children will always come first, their safety and well being are paramount to myself and my husband. We will always strive to do right by them and equip them with everything we can emotionally to go out into the world…to be anything and everything they wish to be. I can take that at least from the rejection, I have learnt how to love unconditionally.

I have documented many times on my blog how hard I find it to recognise my emotions. I know I’m not ok but I wouldn’t know right now how to vocalise that. It’s a lingering sadness following me through the day. My head occasionally throws up a long forgotten event with my mother. A quick replay of unreasonable behaviour followed by a realisation that it was deliberate or was as vindictive as it appeared, despite me minimalising it at the time. There are a ridiculous number of these so I guess they will occur for a while.

Another sign I am definitely not ok is nightmares. The more they occur the deeper the issue. I am currently sat typing this with an overwhelming tiredness as they are occurring nightly. Each in one has the same theme, a revelation that something bad is in the open and things will never be the same.

My thoughts drift occasionally to the idea that it isn’t that bad, thinking of the nice things they can do… but it is. I can’t run away from it anymore. I suppose I got to the end of the road in my relationship with my mother. There is no more left to give and going forward will be aquaintances. I just have a lot of work to do with myself to heal the girl who so often had her needs crushed and shut off emotionally from the world to protect herself. She still there and needs rescuing.

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