Today has been a battle between feeling the need to do nothing and rest and guilt for all the things I feel I should do. I can only liken it to feeling like I am spinning in my head and feeling lost.
I am a very visual person, seeing figures and diagrams helps me to understand things more. I never fails to frustrate me how depression can make me forget my coping strategies. That and how each month I need to remind myself that they arrival of my period will make me feel low and tired. I couldn’t keep going over it all in the same confusion. I have done my scores with the PHQ-9 and GAD-7. The results are a relief as I am incredibly high for depression and low for anxiety. It explains and validates how I am feeling. Increased Depression has a correlation with low body image, bad sleep and increased binges. If my anxiety were to increase I would eat less and be more agitated but my body image wouldn’t be a problem.
The last month has been very up and down so I have also scored myself for how I gelt over the previous four weeks. Putting this into a graph has made me feel a lot better. I can look at how my mood has changed regarding different emotions over a period of time. I intend to keep this up long term to identify patterns. Already comparing my results to my menstrual cycle has indicated a correlation. I am intrigued to see how it looks in another month. Hopefully this will help me to plan for down times accordingly.
In the shorter term I decided to write a list of things I need to do in order to try and stay as well as I can whilst my depression has become worse. Finding a balance is imperative! Too little and I feel lathargic and guilt. Too much and I become stressed and magnify all my negative symptoms. I could go back and look at what I have written previously but i think it is better to look at what I need now. The list so far is:
– Do scores every two weeks
– Add data to graph
– Restart Overcoming Binge Eating programme
– Attend Eating Disorder Clinic and follow advice
– Listen to music daily
– Photography projects
– Go back to gym and do what feels fun with no agenda.
I don’t feel completely fine but the sense of feeling list had decreased massively. I just have to remember that I can help myself, no matter how low I feel. Even the smallest efforts can make a difference.