I don’t know if I can actually push these emotions from me to the page. I know I have to try but I am in a sea of panic and anxiety. When your a child and something scares you, that overwhelming feeling of wanting your mum. It’s pretty much like that. I need to talk to someone and have a hug.
The life of a mum means I am the one who gives the hugs and my calming person will arrive when he finishes work. Until then I need to use things like my blog to calm myself and ground myself again.
After being told about a new programme examining what diet we should eat, I watched a minute of said programme. I went into full on panic mode. My chest is tight, I want to curl up and cry yet my body feels like running away. What a mess! I decided to make lunch as planned as it would help me.stay on track. Only once I ate it I wanted to keep going. Perhaps making lunch when feeling this way wasn’t wise, who knows?
It would appear research into diet is a major trigger for me. I felt the panic of all the times I have tried to diet, the restrictions I put myself under driven by repeated self loathing and fault picking to keep myself going. Depending on the outcome of either binges or stopping eating the end was always bad and reinforced my negative views. I suppose it goes to show I don’t have another diet left in me!
Having such an extreme reaction has semented the feelings that I need professional help to beat my ED. I have done well and come a long way but I will hit walls where I need help to cope and learn new strategies. Today would be a good time to have that. Writing this has calmed me down and I feel less like eating the feelings away. Its definitely the strongest urge to binge I have had in a long while.