Today is one of the days where I am very much aware that the scales have tipped. Today’s balance is in favour of depression.
Anxiety has ruled my days for the last three weeks. Just about getting out to do the necessites but all the while eager to return to the sanctuary of home. Chatting to much loved friends but aware that I haven’t enjoyed it as much as I should. Reliving every sentence to make sure I haven’t offended anyone unintentionally. Then comes the worry that I am obsessing over myself, I am self absorbed and those around me may resent that. Its an exhausting cycle and one that is hard to squash, to let rational thoughts in.
Those horrible emotions have subsided, drowned in the sea of sadness that covers you in depression. I want to not function, curl up and hide away. I could sleep most of the day. Responsibility means that I can’t. Although I find it hard to wade through the day, I fear without them I could fall down a slope with no come back. They keep me in the world I need to be in.
Anxiety means I eat less and depression has been my binge partner. We have a long history! Breakfast is not something I like to eat, often done as minimal as possible to get something nutritious in. This morning I was hungry and ate happily. Now all I crave is junk food.
Time for some analysing….only I know what is wrong I am trying so hard to crush it, to not deal with the emotional the turmoil. So there it is…the key that opens the door to my binges and disordered eating. It’s so much easier to eat and delay the inevitable….