After posting about achievements I inevitably have a bit of an emotional crash and feel low. I had a breakthrough of a possible cause last night.
Recently I had been asked to look at whether I ‘need’ my ED? In essence, yes, I do. I have always used barriers to shield myself from the world and people a little. The biggest barrier is my eating (even if binges are a bit redundant now)It has been the dysfunctional scaffolding holding me up. Now I have taken that away and left myself more vulnerable than ever before.
It’s not a problem if I don’t think about it. Only, by going through my sucess and all the changes I have made, is like suddenly feeling exposed and realising the step I was stood on, over a gorge, has suddenly gone.
I guess I have some work to do to be able to feel entirely comfortable with changes in me. I have no idea how to do that! Perhaps desensitisation? Do I look at how far I have come regularly to get used to it? Adding up all the failed diets, ideas and attempts to become someone other than me, doing this is hard!