Well it would appear this situation is here to stay. This one place where I don’t have to smile and say ‘I’m fine’, when I am most definitely not.
My work has been keeping me in an place where I can still function. As I previously mentioned, I have slowed down. Getting out of the house can be a mixture of relief and anxiety. Then again coming home stirs the same conflicting emotions, what is a girl to do?
Honestly I have no idea! Talking friends through these situations is far easier than deciding on an action plan for myself. It has been far too long since my last self assessment so I did one last night. It wasn’t a complete surprise to see that my scores from the depression and anxiety questionnaires were in the higher categories. These are one of the few situations in life where a high score is not a positive outcome! Perhaps a better indication of my mental health is the large jump in scores.
There are fleeting moments throughout the day where I think of food and the comfort I could get from eating something warm and full of sugar or carbs. The rational part of me jumps in with a reminder that it won’t actually work. Only there is now a new, third element in the mix, the depression is supressing my appetite and I can’t face food most of the time. Now that’s a sure fire way to know I’m unwell, I have Binge Eating Disorder and yet don’t want to eat.
The most I can manage in the morning is a yogurt. Often I am only eating a first meal of the day around lunch time. Most days I successful manage a nutrtious dinner with lots of vegetables as I have to cpok for all of us. On the face of it my eating probably looks very much improved (to anyone acquainting little food with a slim figure. We all know that’s crap but you can see how people in my situation would go unnoticed) evening snacks of chocolate or sweet items aren’t getting much attention, even being left untouched. I know that’s not an improvement, it’s a bad sign. As was my disintrest in discovering I have lost a small amount of weight.
I have no idea what the point of this post is really. In fact I’m dragging through my days with a feeling of uncertainty just about functioning so people wouldn’t notice. I imagine I am walking the line between being unable to function at all and managing. I know I’m not alone and many people are facing these battles, it’s hard just to reach out when surrounded by depressions mental barriers, making us doubt our every move. Every outcome I imagine in my head has me letting others down. If I talk to my husband about all of this, he then has to cope with me being less than the woman I want to be for him. He has to carry the load of the family again and I feel like I’ve let him down. The alternative is I push too hard and I will crack again letting him down and shouldering the burden. I obviously didn’t choose to feel like this but my husband hasn’t done anything to deserve it either. I don’t feel suicidal but I can sympathise with those who do take that step at the moment.
I would be coaxing a friend to get help at this point, why is it so hard to do that for ourselves? Instead it leaves you feeling like a crap person in all areas and a failure. Discussing all this helps but leaves me with an aftertaste of self obsession and self loathing. Such a horrible chain reaction of emotions!