The Inadequacy Of Words

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If my smile is what you see, I did it well today. If you just wonder whether I’m quieter than normal, I got through a few more hours unnoticed. Not achievements everyone will understand but it makes the day easier for others around me to not see the turmoil underneath.

Would they really want to see past it all? I have general self esteem issues, part of the territory with an eating disorder, like a lifelong package trip from hell, that you didn’t actually sign up for.

Some people know, the ones that ask questions with a genuine compassion and caring nature.  Some just pray you will roll out a mandatory ‘fine’ and let them on their way.

Words don’t really convey the depth of despair we sufferers feel. Right now I coule cry and hide under a duvet for days. I feel so alone and low it’s, well I don’t know what it’s like really.  The word ‘shit’ seems apt to me! Ironically I am sat in a room full of people right now as I type this and not one would notice. Being strangers why would they? Still a strage senario though.

Inside my head is a mess of emotions. There is so much to unravel even my words come out wrong at times. Or I quite simply struggle to focus on things and make a decision. Adding to the need to hide all the more.

I want to be held and comforted yet alone at the same time. I crave company of those I love but can’t handle conversations and chit chat. I need a break from the kids but dread them not being here and my patience has all but abandoned me. Bouncing all these emotions around leaves me with tremendous guilt for not coping. Every thought I turn to there is element my head selects and highlights where I have let someone down or fear I will. My husband has reassured me that is not that case, so of course I then feel bad because I’m feeling something unnecessary. This cycle is exhausting!

I have no doubt that starting. My own business has contributed to this situation. I have an inability to feel adequate and often push myslef too hard. Work will be at a more sensible pace now and I have to just try my best to ignore the sense of failure doing that creates. Yet had I not given myself this area of stimulation the depression would have no let up at all. Ironically I could lose myslef in work for days, hiding from the reality.

It’s a times like this, that I would love to get off the train i seem to be stuck on and have someone tell me its ok, they will look after me until I get better. Sadly life simply continues at its normal pace and responsibility dictates our actions. I am a mum and what ever energy I can gather needs to be put into making sure my children are safe and looked after until my husband geys home and we do it together.

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