Time For Me To Check in

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A phrase coined by a friend sharing the journey to recovery. I think they were onto something with that description. So this is me doing just that…

Today is a bit of a blog fest. If your reafing, welcome to my depression therapy session today. It’s certainly helping to clear the fog, revealing some key issues.

Firstly I have pushed too hard to get my business up and running. The efforts I put in were all for the right reasons but my approach of full on at the expence of looking after myself wasn’t the right one. I have task lists for each week now and have to accept I am only human. It doesn’t feel comfortable to not try and achieve as much as possible with every spare minute I have but I haven’t done myself any favours, so change is a must!

Secondly my recovery has posed  a slight issue. An odd one I know but bare with me. Removing the need to binge has been a great achievement. Even now at my lowest again, although I crave some food there is no desperation to get my hands on food for comfort. I fancy something and this weekend I let myself have what ever I wanted. I ate a fairly sensible amount and left the food sat next to me. It’s lure has definitely waned somewhat. So what now? I don’t want to train, pushing myself to get ready made me anxious with so much work to do. Basically I need to find another replacement for food and the gym. My temporary fix has been vaping. Better than smoking again after 3 1/2 years I suppose but I have no idea what I put in this void right now.

Lastly (yet most significantly) is the fear of failure. What if I am actually rubbish at my chosen profession is haunting me constantly.  Part of this stems from the unknown.  Things out of my control have always had the power to unnerve me. ‘What if’ is a very strong pretext in my head. The only thing I can do is keep trying but if you do happen to come across a crystal ball, I’d desperately love to know if my efforts are worth it.

So I will try each day to work my way out of this back hole with what ever resources I have available. My biggest help is writing these posts. I have to try something as it seems I am predisposed to depression as the winter closes in. No one else can fix this and I need to know I have tried everything before asking for meds again.

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