Try something with me for a minute, a word association game. Can you list 10 words associated with the word food? What you think about? Are your respnses positive or negative?
Now concider those around you. What do you think they would say, positive, negative or neutral things or do they believe in an ideal?
For me it would be a mixture of all sides but I definitely have people in my life where thin is the required ‘uniform’ of health. It helped shaped me into the person I was 10 months ago. I most definitely do not feel the same way now!
It makes me wonder how many other men and women are affected by the ideals and unhealthy expectations of a previous generation, who often favoured ascetics over health. In the worse years of my restrictions and rapid weight loss, I had more positive reception (and even encouragment to continue that behaviour) by older generations than I have now, at my biggest.
There are years I have lost to feeling inadequate and unlovable because I didn’t fit, of all the important things in life, a clothes size! I felt like I let people down looking the way I did and of course all the negative comments fed that inadequacy.
Now? Well now I have entered a period of compassion and sadness. In order to push those restraints on to me, they must have been living by them too. What a genuinely sad way to live an entire life, never feeling good enough because of the size someone cut a cloth to the extent they believe others should live by the same restrictions. How different would they be if they had the same help available to myself and others on this recovery journey? I wonder if anyone ever stopped to recognise the good in them and helped them to be all they could be.
I refuse to carry that burden of ideals anymore and while I may be fat (and I can say that without any shame) I am currently the healthiest I have ever been. You can’t see my changes, unless of course you take the time to listen to what I have to say and see what I’m doing now. Some people will sadly miss that, as the hall of mirrors they walk in life, reveals to them a different perspective, the one with a fat girl who hasn’t achieved size 8-10 staus.