My mood has been like the English weather today, a little bit of everything thrown in!
Everything started pretty calm, then happy to share a small celebration with someone. Talk turned to hope and my smile slipped a little, giving way to tears. Putting what was worrying me into words didn’t give any sense of relief. It’s fairly simple, right now cancer is a dark cloud hanging over us. You can try to push that darkness to one side and let other things in but its stubborn, creeping over everything.
In think it may have sunk in more today. Looking out the window I am relieved to see it’s raining quite heavily. That helps make my need to hide at home a little easier. I want to curl up and not do anything but try and be comfortable. I feel bad for feeling like this and bad that its not my illness what right have I got to be like this? What would it saynif I didn’t? Everything goes round and round in my head.
Tonight was supposed to be a gym night, just like last week. I haven’t been for about a month. The guilt is immense. I don’t want to go but I should. My anxiety is so high because I want to be at home and not have an event spoiling the calmness of a day without somewhere to be. If I forced myself to go would I feel better about it after? Right now I don’t want a treadmill or weights, I would just like a hug and a blanket.
My brain is trying to get me to fill that gap with food but I am resisting well, sticking to healthy eating. It’s a small positive in what feels like a chaotic mess in my head.