If someone walked past me now, they would have no idea the emotions I have flying around on the inside.
I’m short, overweight and let’s just say it’s been a while since my hair had some TLC. I’m not the kind of women to do my make up before I step over the threshold either. So I slot nicely into the easily judged category. Not wearing my glasses helps, if I can’t see someones face clearly, I have no idea what they are thinking. It’s a long used tactic to negotiate social interaction that makes me nervous.
So what I’m wondering is this….if I can be all of the above and not feel like I fit in with many others. Then how can I have so much turmoil inside, yet hide it so well. I’m often told I’m a closed book or don’t open up. Which is true and most of the time deliberate with these same people (Self preservation and all that). Yet I have no idea how I do this, how can the lady I walk past in the shop not see my hurt. The community member who hugs me when we meet, how does he not see that I light up when I see him. His hugs are your grandads and make me feel better. The friends that meet me for coffee, how do they not know on the days I want to curl up, shut the world out and cry. It’s a skill and one that I and so many other people are exceptionally good at. Yet it’s one we don’t want! If I could be free of these anxieties and depressive day’s it would be a much easier life.
So since I can’t say it out loud in real life, sometimes all I want is for someone to notice the emotions, sit down with me, give me a hug and help the world stop just for a while. It’s not something I can do myself very well. Instead I push on until days like today, where an event or occurrence makes me feel low and I start to eat to cope.