As I go along this journey, I am being made aware of the tangled web I have been living with. I have an intense need and desire to be in control in most areas of my life. I need that control to keep anxiety in check. With work I have excelled at honing this need to know what is happening and keeping things in order. I’m very good at what I do, because of this. Yet once I step away from that environment it’s a bit of a car crash.
My bedroom has always been an area that I am comfortable with chaos and mess. I have no idea why, because in other areas of my home, mess makes me very uncomfortable. I’m not talking about the house being immaculate, it’s very much lived in. But I like things to go back in their place. It’s not something that is easy to maintain; with a husband who doesn’t share this need and two small children who find the concept unnecessary. (They absolutely belive in making this point know:).
When we get down to my eating disorder it has always been about being in control. Testing myself and the harder I tried the greater the sense of achievement and self worth if I pulled off the latest task. However the down side is, in order to keep this up long term, you have to raise the bar. Give youself more to aim for and then you can be a better, more worthy person. That’s the thought process of someone with am eating disorder. The reality is we will never feel worthy no matter what weight or goal we reach. In fact the restrainst we put on ourselves often aren’t attainable or sustainable. But when we don’t make these tatgets, the sense of failure, disappointment and crushed confidence is epic. It has the power to keep us locked at home, shun our social lives and withdraw from life. Just to feel safe and hidden out of sight. I personally feel that I am disgusting to look at and being around others would embarrass them. Being at home is the comfor zone and food is the medication.The cycle is visious and so hard to break.
I have to now learn to let go and not be so hard on myself. But to me that is like standing on a bridge ready to bungy jump for the first. It’s frightening, I’ve never done this. What will happen if I don’t have these restrictions to keep me in line? Surely I will just be totally out of control and eat constantly. I have to take each day as a new one. If I binge one day I cannot apply the failure to a whole period. It’s not comfortable and the thoughts of going on another diet creeps in most days. Just to lose some weight. I know this will just not work as it will make my disorder worse. But I feel naked and lost when I don’t have these options to control myself. The result is right now, I’m worrying a lot and feeling a bit low. I don’t know if I can do this. Instant results have always been my guide. There are none with recovery and it’s so hard.