Depression Is Knocking At My Door

The dreaded feeling of slipping into the black hole of depression has been lurking all day.

I do hope this is a temporary blip, due to being stuck at home so much for the last few weeks. The two littlest people in my life have pushed me and hubby big time with illness,  fighting for attention and general children’s demands.

I haven’t really wanted to do anything today. The most I managed was to make a batch of cookies, just to occupy myself for a bit. (Probably not a wise choice after I made banana cupcakes yesterday too). It’s probably a bad sign in it’s self. I’m short tempered and easily irritated. All bad signs! Thankfully after this week we have lots to look forward to. Hopefully that will pull me back.

The danger for me, is that when I feel depressed I lose the will power to battle my eating disorder. In fact I lose the will power for anything. I know I can’t just suddenly make this feeling go away and be better. But I just have to try and keep going. Weeks like these I only have a goal of getting up, making sure the kids are fed and dressed.  The rest I take and manage as I go. Taking the pressure off often helps but I never know when things will get easier.

At present I have all sorts of thoughts going through my head. Mostly that I won’t be ready for November’s event, if I slip back. My family do know about this and support me. I do wish they didn’t at times like this,  then the pressure to succeed, would only be my own.  The issue of me being overweight is playing on my mind constantly.  I feel like a fraud. How can I be making such good progress, when I haven’t lost weight? I’m overweight and already a mess, so what does it matter.   Basically all the thoughts that I have been leaving behind. I know I need to look into why I’m feeling this way, but that’s not something I have the energy to tackle today.

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