Oh The Irony

It was another one of those nights where neither of us could be bothered to cook.(if I’m honest there have been far too many lately! ) So we ordered Chinese. Sat waiting for it to arrive I read some comments on Facebook discussing Channel 4’s Secret Eaters. It seemed worth a watch.

I can honestly say I’ve never enjoyed a take away less! Whilst the programme looks at unrecognised eating habits, rather then actual eating disorders, it made for uncomfortable watching, (not just because I was stuffing my face with the food off the ‘you ate all this table’). I can’t shake that feeling off now. Although I’m incredibly thankful that I was only with my husband.  Anyone else and I would have been wishing the ground to open up and swallow me.

This probably better explained with a little info. I am currently a size 18-20. I haven’t been a very active person since before I became a mum. In fact once I hit my twenties I slowed in pace a lot (I have actually completed those years so I’m no spring chicken either:-) I’m rather short, so I don’t have amazon legs to carry my current weight of 16st 4lbs. Add to this a mummy tummy from two pregnancies, adds up to me having rather low self esteem. I avoid my reflection, especially from the waist up when ever possible. My idea of hell was attending an exercise class last year, done in a dance studio with mirrors. The embarrassment and horror will forever haunt me!

Anyway back to the subject…Basically the eating habits of those in the programme made me feel bad, simply because I also have some of these bad habits. On top of Binge Eating Disorder,  I over eat. Although separating out these two is perhaps impossible. Or it could be that I simply have a much worse case of BED than I realise. I don’t like eating around people other than my husband as I always feel watched and judged. You know the old chestnut ‘should YOU be eating that, since your already fat’. (I should point out this is absolutely not what people around me have said recently. its my own insecurity at work). But that only fuels my inner voice saying ‘well your already a failure’, so I eat more. I don’t eat much during the day above a normal persons diet.(previous weight watchers following highlighted this, rather than denial). My weakness is evenings when the kids have gone to bed. The lower I feel,  the more I can plough through. When I go to the gym it occupies this bingeing time and breaks the cycle. As I have discovered it’s keeping this in place when emotions take over that’s my issue. My diet from the afternoon till bed could do with a healthy overhaul big time lately though. It’s something I’m not good at maintaining but I also have a husband who likes to snack, meaning I need a bit more will power. You know that thing that runs out the door when temptation arrives.

I don’t like how I feel now.  I want to shake it off and run to the gym. (Which makes me sound far more of a gym bunny than I am). I’m feeling better and should be back there by the weekend. After so long being ill and stuck at home I was already geared up for getting back to training. After tonight’s viewing I’m desperate!

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