On an emotional front, things are a little calmer this weekend and much happier. Happiness is very much an indicator of how I eat. Although if it was always either black or white, that would be fantastic. Instead I am living with a series of complicated equations.
These are the examples that I can untangle in my head. They arent always exclusive and can overlap as emotiins tend to linger with me past an event. (Sometimes they confuse me, so reading them may not make sense either).
a) Happy= I eat to celebrate
b) Achieving = I eat to celebrate
c) Sad = I tend to not eat at all
d) Stressed = I eat to forget
e) Anxious = I eat to drown it out
f) Tired = I eat for comfort
g) Ill = I eat for comfort and to teel better
h) Bored = I eat to fill a void.
I) Failing= I eat because I don’t feel worthy of anything. So I may as well just have food.
I’m sure there are more, but that is plenty enough to highlight my issue. As I have gone along since January, I have managed to see that writing my feelings down helps to break the process of emotions leading straight to food. Although I have not stuck to the programme ( Overcoming Binge Eating Edition 2) exclusively, I have noticed that I’m questioning my own actions almost straight away. A normal reaction would be to bury my head and ignore any thoughts about my binging. This meant they could go on for months without intervention. I’m currently in week 3 of my latest episode. What is noticeable is that in that time frame, although emotional upset was my trigger, I have also been ill and not been to the gym for almost two weeks. I absolutely need to kick myself back into my routine if working out and I do feel ready to shake this episode off and get back to more positive actions and reactions. The high I have after training definitely carries me through days after. Far more than anything I may eat. Food is much more of a temporary high and then tails off. Perhaps why, when binging starts, it becomes a cycle? I would love to get to the stage where, wnen I have an emotional crisis, my therapy of choice is exercise and not eating. Although its a long road, I feel its achievable.