What causes a person who’s in a good place to ‘ fall off the wagon’ and go back to all their bad habits and behaviours? All done in the full knowledge of the consequences. The self loathing it will bring, which alone triggers cyclic activities. Why not simply stop? Snap put of it? Get a grip? Hell why not just talk about why your feeling the control slip?
I can write it down and I can think all of the above. But of course I’m thinking this on the way to the shop for my ‘wonderful picnic food’ or going to the kithen deliberately planning to overload my plate and eat as much as I can. But the difference now is I can feel some of the emotions that I buried prior to my attempt at recovery. I have to take that as a positive. Shedding light in previous areas of pitch black. But that has been my undoing over the last two weeks. Acknowledging those dark areas that may have been my trigger for some time.
I didn’t just open pandoras box, I kicked the lid off and bobmed in! What flew out was hurt, anger and resentment much closer to home than I had allowed myself to believe. It has been talked over initially and I finally let my voice be heard over issues I shouldn’t have kept quiet about. Working through these has been hard and has led to the realisation that I have been let down repeatedly. I’ve coped when I shouldn’t have had to. But ultimately I have been burying these truths to keep others happy. I absolutely believe these are the reasons I got to such an out of control state. These are not easy emotions to face and I have been self medicating through eating. There is obviously a lot more work to do in my emotional life. After all my binges are merely a symptom.