The anticipated second half of the book has begun.
I was nervous about what it would contain and what regime I’d be thrown into. I’m very much an ‘all or nothing’ person with diets and weight control, (after all its always been about being in or out of control for me). But the book hasn’t been that way and it’s a huge relief. I have found that without the rigid structure and resulting pressure, I’m not thinking of food as often. Which really, has made me feel more relaxed and brighter.
My only tasks for the first week are to keep a food journal, whilst also recording my emotions and location when eating. This is only day two and I find that part comfortable and thought provoking. I know the two go hand in hand for BED, but I normally use sweeping statements to describe my emotions, rather than this indepth analysis.
The second task is to weight myself once a week on a set day. This is harder. I go through phases of not weighing and then catapult to multiple times a day. There isn’t really an in between phase. But I figured its only a small task, no problems I’ve got this! It has become apparent that I rely on the scales more than I realised. Today I suddenly had the urge to know how am I doing with my eating? My immediate thought was to step on the scales. Only I can’t. This makes me mildy anxious. If I don’t know what I weight now how do I know how to feel about myself? That is a scary thought, the level of self worth I have in a number. I didn’t get on the scales and I intend not to. But how the hell did I get to the stage where I have to do this task? Why do I want to so much when the consequences aren’t straight forward; If I weigh less, then I can relax and feel good but negatively reinforcing all my issues of image and value. If I weigh more I feel disappointed and unworthy of effort. Such a lot of neagative impact from one small action. Using the scales is feeling like dropping a stone into a pond, the ripples reach much further than I expected.
So already I’m thinking about my actions and the emotional impact I create for myself. Beginning to tidy the mess that has been gathering for so long.