Just by chance I came across an article this evening. It was very upsetting and a difficult subject, which made me cry. I haven’t put my feelings into words or even thought of them. Yet I’m feeling like there is something I need to get out. When I tried to think about what I may want to talk about nothing came to the surface. I simply started to crave Chinese food! I’m not hungry and that craving only occurred when I tried to tackle an emotional issue. I know if I did eat it, I’d feel better emotionally. But in an effort to make a change I have gone to bed. Normally In the absence of craved food I would eat multiple items of food, but still feel unsatisfied.
For most of my life I have been a closed book. This has been my self preservation technique and something I have been proud of in the past. Perhaps still if I’m honest. I’ve been strong, independent and safe relying on me. But it’s becoming apparent that I have actually lost the ability to process my own emtions. I’m locking them away somewhere and I have no idea how to undo that process. How do I begin to deal with emotions that I haven’t acknowledged? All I know is that I have a feeling of something unresolved, which can be temporarily dampened by eating. I do wonder how many other people are feeling like this? Is it a common trait of BED and Atypical sufferers? I bridge the two conditions (having previously been anorexic). Do all of us with eating disorders have this to some degree?